People get sober in all sorts of ways. Sometimes they just quit on their own. Sometimes they go to rehab. They show up in 12-step rooms, ashrams, churches and their parents’ basements. There is no one right way—something we’ve aimed to show in our collection of How I Got Sober stories. While we initially published these as either first person essays by our contributors or as interviews with anonymous sober folks, we eventually began to realize that there were other stories to tell: yours. This is our reader spotlight and this, more specifically, is Anthony.
(We’ve broken Anthony’s story into three parts; read part one here and part two here.)
Click here to see all of our How I Got Sober stories
What do you consider your bottom?
My first wake up was when I was diagnosed with HIV and had made a strong commitment to myself that I was on the wagon for good. Yet a month later, was drunk again. The second was when my girlfriend told me I needed help, because her mother and father both had substance abuse problems and she could see the same pattern in me. I went to an APLA provided therapist, who told me I needed AA. I was skeptical. I looked up all sorts of research into why AA doesn’t work, but she was adamant that I go. So I checked out a meeting, raised my hand as a newcomer, and ran out as quickly as possible before anyone could catch me. I got rid of that therapist and got a new one.
The new therapist also told me that I might have a problem, but was much gentler about it. By that time, I had left my girlfriend who insisted I stop after I tried to throw myself out of a car on the freeway. My therapist was worried about me, but she didn’t press AA hard. She did tell me one thing that stuck with me. “The HIV isn’t the thing that’s going to kill you; it’s the booze.” She was right, but I wasn’t ready to admit it.
Finally, my roommate, who had a brief stint of fame and I sometimes treated as a Higher Power because of that, sat down with me at a bar and told me, “We’re all worried about you.” I don’t know if it was the time of night or the booze I was drinking at the time, but it was my moment of clarity. I heard him and it rang down so deep. I was embarrassed, yet somehow, freed. He told me his bandmate was the secretary at a meeting nearby at Alvarado. He left me there at the bar by myself. I tried to buy coke off a guy, who sold me a powdery substance that just made me sleepy. I was done, the jig was up. It took me a couple tries, but eventually I ended up at a 12-step meeting. That day truly changed my life forever.
Have you worked the 12 steps?
Yes, I’ve worked the 12 steps. They opened up so many doors I thought were closed in my life. I learned how to be honest with myself and with others and how to walk through my fears. I learned how to trust other people, and how to stand on my own two feet and take responsibility for my actions.
I learned to put my faith in a Higher Power that I found with the help of my sponsor. I looked to the rooms as a source of my Higher Power. It was tangible, and I could hear my Higher Power in every share and every service commitment. It was beautiful.
I was able to take an honest look at myself and the damage I had caused others. When I was scared, my sponsor assured me that I would be taken care of. There was nothing more to fear. It was in my Higher Power’s hands.
I made amends to my parents and told them the truth about me, my life and all the secrets I had been hiding from them. Namely, that I was a drunk, and then later that I was HIV+. At first they were, understandably, shocked, but glad to know that I was willing to be honest with them moving forward in my life. I also made amends to my brother and his wife, who were forced to hide the secret that I was a drunk and HIV+. I told them that I would never put them in that position again, as long as I stayed sober.
Finally, three years into my sobriety, I felt so in tune with my family, that I brought my transgender girlfriend home to Connecticut to meet them. After some explaining about her and what transgender was, they welcomed her with open arms, and all those years of fear and shame that drove me into reclusive behavior melted away over the course of that month.
I was reborn with a new vision and understanding of life and how I was to live it. I made many other amends; specifically to the girlfriend I had just before I got sober. I acknowledged the pain and suffering I put her through, and that I was sick and didn’t know it. I thanked her for introducing that idea that I might be an alcoholic, because that started the ball to recovery rolling. She welcomed my amends and was happy to see that I had found a new life and that’s all she cared about.
What do you hate about being an alcoholic?
I hated the regret of the morning after. Thinking about all the pain I caused other people, or things I said in emails, on the phone, or to people at the bar. I hated the physical pain on those terrible morning afters. The taste of stomach bile in my throat, and cleaning up piss and vomit off my floor. I hated how out of control my life was, and knowing I could do nothing about it. I hated hiding, being afraid of being found out and being locked up inside my head.
What do you love about being an alcoholic?
I loved the freedom of saying and doing whatever I wanted when I was drunk and high. I romanticized my boozing and drugging, and thought it would make for a great story someday. I loved the excitement of the weekend, securing drugs and knowing I’d be up all night, and not knowing what crazy things were going to happen. I loved the perceived power it gave me over my sexual, financial and social life. I loved blasting music and driving on the freeway with the windows down.
What are the three best tools you have acquired to stay sober and happy?
I make my bed every morning, which was something my sponsor suggested I do. It’s a reminder of that time when I was newly sober and had surrendered myself over to a power greater than myself, and it was the first suggestion I took. It sets the tone for my day and is a constant reminder that I’m an alcoholic.
I’ve created a social circle of sober people that I can call if I’m in a bad place, and that “get” who I am and how to address my problems.
I always have a commitment to a meeting, and make sure I hit at least three meetings a week. I always make sure when I go I participate by either sharing, thanking the speaker, offering to help clean up, talking to someone new, and always leave the place better than I found it.
Do you have a sobriety mantra?
Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.
What is the most valuable thing that has happened to you in recovery?
Being able to tell my parents that I had HIV was the most valuable thing that happened to me in AA. I never in a million years thought that would be possible. Being able to walk through that, with the help of my sober friends, was one of the most valuable experiences I think I will ever have.
If you could offer a newcomer or someone thinking about getting sober any advice, what would it be?
If I was to offer a newcomer advice, it would be to make sure you are done. If you are, then the gifts of the program await you. You will approach them with the very valuable gift of desperation. That is to say; you will go to any lengths to stay sober.
Any additional thoughts?
I just want to add, that since I’ve been sober, I have tackled many other obstacles in my life using the same principles of the 12-step program. I have quit smoking for over three years now, and was able to lose roughly 90 pounds. My HIV is what is called “undetectable” which means I have less than 10 copies of the virus in my body (when I was diagnosed I had 300,000). My doctor always says I’m one of his healthiest patients.
Finally, with encouragement of others, I’ve filled my life with so many new and exciting things. I’ve become a painter, a skill I never thought I had (I’ve sold 12 pieces), a runner (I run about 30 miles a week), a hiker (I just hiked 45 miles in Big Sur) and I’ve been promoted at my job to be a television editor, something I wanted for a long time, and my sponsor pushed me past my fears of requesting to be moved up. None of these things were possible without the program. The people of AA loved me until I could love myself. They told me there was solid ground beneath my feet when I swore there was only an abyss. There is nothing you cannot do with your life provided you surrender yourself to a Higher Power and let go of all you might think you have control over. I’m not mentioning these things out of pride or ego, I’m mentioning them in hopes that you too can discover a life that you never thought you had with the help of AA.
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