I finally hit the overwhelm button on the self-help movement. I’d spent tens of thousands of dollars on seminars where I explored my weaknesses and tried to embrace my strengths; I hugged the teddy bears, squeezed the stress balls and devoured books like The 7 Things Emotionally Healthy People Do, The 10 Things You Must Do to Have a Better Life, or The 5 Ways to Build Your Self-Esteem. Twenty years into it, I gave up on helping myself. Here’s why:
I Stopped Liking Myself
I spent years navel gazing. During that time I discovered some cool things about myself, like I the fact that I’m double jointed—something I’d never have found out had I not attended that “primal scream” retreat—but the truth is, I began to like myself less, not more. The more time I focused on myself, the more depressed I became. It was a downward spiral: more analyzing, less living, more depressing revelations about myself. My biggest aha! moment was the discovery of my irritation with people who refuse to return their shopping carts to the cart corrals. I am predisposed to approaching them to find out—in the most non-threatening way possible, of course!—why they feel they’re above having to return their cart like the rest of humanity, if they’re not injured or handicapped. You see, discovering this about myself did not force me to change my behavior. Yes, the restraining order helped, but it really only made me feel worse about the truly horrible person I am.
I Discovered My “Voice” Was Pretty Annoying
I’d grown up in crazy alcoholism, and as a result, I had a difficult time expressing myself. I’d been shut down for so long that when I picked up my first self-help book, I was elated. I’d found a new way to express myself – which included things like stopping friends in the middle of shopping malls to “process” my feelings, or giving them “honest” feedback about their new boyfriends. I had “Unleashed the Tiger Within” and would no longer be silenced! It wasn’t until I was invited to an Al-Anon meeting that I recognized how overboard I’d gone with the whole “voicing my opinion” thing. Actually, I wasn’t really invited to Al-Anon, I was told to go. As in, a friend said, “There’s a meeting on First Street. Good luck and don’t ever call me again.” By the time I’d gotten into recovery, I’d exasperated enough of my loved ones that no one said, “You think you need help?!” Most of them reacted with, “Thank God, you’re finally getting real help. It’s about time!”
Self-Improvement Was My Crack
Even in the first grade I was big on setting goals. I’d wrap up each school year by reviewing my life and making resolutions for the upcoming year. By the time I’d reached adulthood, every week was a bit like New Year’s Eve—life reviews, to-do lists, and resolutions. The “self-help” movement only fueled my insatiable perfectionism, which, of course, was a way to cover up the loneliness, grief and pain I’d been avoiding for years. In recovery, I discovered this constant striving was like a drug for me. I was never happy with what I’d accomplished, and I was miserable unless I had something “big” lined up. I’ve lightened up—a bit—and learned when to put the kibosh on the constant striving, self-improving and goal setting. I mean, at some point a “person” can go from perfectionism into “obsessive compulsive.” Beyond that on the spectrum, and that “person” is given the title of “insane” or “a danger to herself and others.” At least, that’s what I’ve heard.
Too Much Positivity Makes Me Negative
Much of the self-help movement focuses on drowning out the negative voices with positive statements. For years I worked on that—I expect only the best, because darn it, I deserve it!—in an effort to silence the negative voices. It didn’t work. I’m predisposed to negativity, so spending my entire day trying to overcome the nagging voices that say things like, Boy are you sure screwing things up, or, Ninety percent of the population has it all figured out, what’s your problem? only created cognitive dissonance—okay, so I did learn a few things over those twenty years. I can and do work on improving my attitude and take contrary action, but I can’t change my natural disposition. If my tendency is to be cynical and sarcastic, berating myself about not being positive doesn’t improve my life. Hey, not everyone can emit positive vibes all the time, and frankly, who wants to be around people like that? That’s right. No one. The world would be a dull place without the skeptics and naysayers. Trying to force myself into some manufactured state of false positivity is soul crushing and it makes me cranky. Crankier than I already am.
I’m Horrible at Helping Myself
Many of my problems—besides the major ones that were caused by my parents and other people– have been the result of my own doing. My “self” created the problem, ergo my “self” rarely has the solution. As Albert Einstein said, “You can’t solve a problem with the same mindset that created it.” This explains why I’m such a genius at solving my friends’ problems, but have a hard time tying my own shoelaces or keeping down a job. I need a Higher Power and a spiritual solution to my problems. Ironically, when I stopped all the navel-gazing and began working a 12-step program, other people stopped annoying me (somewhat), I finally started keeping my commitments and my life improved! I learned that self-esteem comes from doing estimable things. Relying on my “self” to find the solutions doesn’t work, but relying on my Higher Power does. And while I’ve had a lot of practice playing God and I’m reasonably good at it, I don’t even want the job. I’d rather be living it up in the Seachell Islands, or getting a pedicure.
I’ve discovered I can’t fix myself—mainly because I’m not broken—and I can’t change without a community that loves and supports me. I can’t talk myself into being happy, and I won’t love myself more if I install a mirror above my bed so I’m the first thing I see every morning—trust me, it doesn’t work!—which is why I’m so glad I jumped off the self-help train and never looked back.
Sponsored DISCLAIMER: This is a paid advertisement for California Behavioral Health, LLC, a CA licensed substance abuse treatment provider and not a service provided by The Fix. Calls to this number are answered by CBH, free and without obligation to the consumer. No one who answers the call receives a fee based upon the consumer’s choice to enter treatment. For additional info on other treatment providers and options visit www.samhsa.gov.
