This post was originally published on May 27, 2014.
The Huffington Post recently published a piece by a woman named Allison Hudson, who wrote a paean to her sobriety— namely, to the fact that she learned she’d accrued a whopping 17,000 hours of sober time.
She writes, “Not one of those hours was spent wasted drinking at a bar, being drunk, or hung over. I didn’t make any trips to the emergency room. I didn’t spend any nights in jail. I didn’t waste one hour in court. I haven’t wasted an entire day sleeping it off and feeling miserable because of drinking the night before. And most importantly, I can account for every single one of those 17,000 hours.”
Hudson acknowledges that those minor feats might not seem particularly thrilling or impressive to “normies,” but for alcoholics and addicts, they’re, well, huge. Because they signify getting through—sober!—all the little day-to-day slights, annoyances, pains, and heartaches that make up human existence. Those petty slights and annoyances may feel petty or like no big deal to regular non-addicted folks, but for addicts and alcoholics, they’re anything but. They’re monstrous, they’re major, they’re resentment, loathing and self-hatred-inducing. And they’re insidious in that they grow. They multiply and pile on. You try to ignore one, then three hours later, another one pops into the mix. Soon you’re a walking hulk comprised of nothing but pain and anger and envy and despair, only able to recognize the bad in life, never the good.
Needless to say, nobody likes feeling that way—but they’re feelings that addicts and alcoholics will unthinkingly use, over and over again, in a desperate attempt to quit the storm inside. Getting sober certainly doesn’t make you immune to those floods of painful feelings, but staying sober—staying present—as you move through them? Well, it helps—a whole lot at times.
As Hudson writes, “So, I guess that is why the 17,000 sober hours really made me think. I am so grateful that I have been present for every single one of them. My senses are alive. Guess what? Feeling won’t kill you! I know—I had no idea either!”
I also once didn’t know that feelings weren’t powerful enough to kill you. They can hurt, but they can’t kill. And I still don’t fully know if I know that! I mean, I know it logically, but not emotionally. It’s something I have to keep reminding myself of on a daily basis; pieces like Hudson’s help.
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