Oh, Florida Man. However would we survive without your tales of derring-do?
Beware of Plant Man
The latest Florida Man to make headlines is 31-year-old Rodney Brown of Lakeland, who faces charges of domestic battery after hitting his brother with homegrown marijuana plants. I’m pretty sure that’s not what the hippies would have wanted. Brown, henceforth to be known by his super villain name of Weed Whacker, was in the middle of an argument with his brother Jackie on Saturday night when he suddenly uprooted several three-foot-tall cannabis stalks from his garden and began beating Jackie in the face with them. Jackie called the cops, and when the Weed Whacker gave cops permission to search his home, they found ten marijuana plants and some drug paraphernalia. He was taken to jail and posted bail.
Smoked Out His Common Sense
I don’t know. I’ve got a brother, and I can’t imagine a less-effective method of hurting him than thwacking him with some plants. It seems like the kind of thing you do would do to your roommate’s cat to keep it from scratching your ottoman. We’re not talking about a cactus or even a rose bush here. Come to think of it, let’s make a list of all the things the Weed Whacker almost certainly had on hand that are more effective in a fight than a handful of marijuana plants:
- A kitchen knife
- A liquor bottle
- A shoe
- A lamp
- Car keys
- A car
- A rock
- A frying pan
- A soup can
- A pillow
- A hose
- A hammer
- A fist
- Tweezers
- Hair spray
- Silly string
- Eggs
- Any of the various gardening tools required to grow marijuana
I could go on. But no: Rodney looked around his home, and his fury moved him to choose the humble pot plant as his one true weapon. For Jackie’s sake, it’s probably for the best that Rod opted for something relatively pliant; other Florida men have been less lucky. The real question may be why Jackie Brown felt so threatened by his younger brother’s weed-waving that he called the police. Is he allergic to grass? Does he have a complex about sharing a name with the female lead of an underrated Tarantino flick? Was he just trying to bust his brother’s balls? The world may never know.
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