What Happens When Your Breasts Are Filled With Cocaine?
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What Happens When Your Breasts Are Filled With Cocaine?

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I may have earned the nickname “Coke Tits” back in Boston after confiding in a couple of friends that I let a guy snort cocaine off my chest, but that title has inarguably been ripped away from me by a 43-year old Venezuelan women who recently confessed to a narcotics officer in Madrid that she was rocking a boob job made up of nearly four pounds of premium Bogota blow.

And You Thought Saline was the New Silicon

Before you start thinking that good help is hard to find even for Pablo Escobar, it should be noted that the implant smuggler only spilled the beans about her high-priced augmentation after the female who frisked her—a police officer, not just some Spanish equivalent to a TSA employee—became suspicious of her breast’s “irregularities and deformations,” leading me to believe that a routine screening from known drug countries like Columbia include a very hands-on breast exam.

As funny and interesting (and possibly sexy) as it is to read about a woman with tits made of cocaine, I feel like the real story here is how involved a routine pat down is in Spain. As someone who comes from a long line of women with lumpy breasts and is constantly paying for diagnostic mammograms (that come back negative, thank God), I sure hope I don’t ever have to fly from Mexico to Madrid unless I am ready to get cool with taking a ride down to their local hospital for a more involved examination. While any woman with natural boobs would love for a stranger to ask her if her breasts are real, the idea of a female police officer feeling me up as she looks for drugs in my tits does not sound like a good start to my Ibiza vacation.

Get It Together, Drug Lords

What is also weird about this story is the lack of professionalism. Maybe I am wrong but I always got the sense that drug cartels ran a tight ship, forced to anticipate every scenario and consider all angles of a situation. How did no one know that a woman deplaning from Bogota was going to be forced into second base with a cop? It’s just seems sloppy—hopefully sloppier than the Spanish government’s operation on Miss Bogotá and her tatas when it comes time to confiscate the merchandise.

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About Author

Danielle Stewart is a Los Angeles-based writer and recovering comedian. She has written for Showtime, E!, and MTV, as well as print publications such as Us Weekly and Life & Style Magazine. She returned to school and is currently working her way towards a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. She loves coffee, Law & Order SVU, and her emotional support dog, Benson.