Here are some questions cokeheads seldom ask themselves: What is actually in this powder I just sold my soul for? Where did it come from? Has it passed through one or more persons’ intestinal tracts? (Answer: Who knows, who knows and probably.)
Literally Gut Wrenching
This week in Coke Deals Gone Wrong, a Texas man swallowed “several” bags of cocaine in order to smuggle them onto a flight from Colombia to Houston on Saturday. And by “several,” we actually mean 62 of the tight-packed latex balloons typically used for this exact purpose. If that sounds nuts, well, it is—but it’s also standard practice for drug mules, who have been known to ingest up to 200 packets at a time. Yes, if you’ve ever used cocaine or any other internationally-manufactured illicit substance, chances are it was once in somebody’s rectum. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Forty-nine-year-old Stanley Rafael Hill was just a typical mule, with his typical belly full of rubbery coke-turds, settling in for five undoubtedly uncomfortable hours. Although a commercial pilot for a small regional carrier, Hill boarded this particular plane as a lowly passenger (and secret walking fiesta). All was going according to plan until one of the bags burst inside him. That’s more than just a waste of coke; each balloon is packed so tight it can hold several times the lethal dose. Yikes. Understandably, Hill started feeling sick, and probably panicked as well. Of course, that’s not to say he felt too great before the rupture either after eating 62 balloons. Seriously, standard practice aside, I know how I feel when I eat 62 cocktail weinies, and these drug packets are basically ultra-dense cocktail weinies that you can’t chew and you can’t digest and just sit there like miniature bricks in your gut. I’d honestly rather eat plane food.
Emergency Upon Landing
Hill had to wait until the plane touched down to call 911, no doubt sweating and shaking and wondering whether he’d make it out of this alive. This whole story would have been far more exciting—and terrifying—had Hill actually been piloting the plane, with the rest of the passengers’ lives hanging in the balance. As it was, the only other person who suffered besides our unfortunate would-be smuggler was whoever had to sit next to him.
After his emergency call, Hill was rushed to a hospital where police guarded his door and charged him with felony possession with intent to deliver. Hill, whose bond is set at $500,000, has since “passed” the rest of the coke packets. There’s an image to conjure up the next time the urge to blow a few rails enters your mind. You’re welcome.
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