A couple of weeks ago, we talked to Chris through a two–part interview—the guy who spent two sober years in AA before taking up drinking again and has lived to tell about it. In this third installment, Danielle Stewart follows up with him after he completes a month without alcohol and they discuss the pros and cons of drinking.
Danielle: Last time we spoke you were finishing up a month break from drinking. Have you broken the streak?
Chris: Yes, I drank on the plane ride over to see my family in North Carolina. Well, not really the plane, more like the Delta Sky Club lounge. It’s only $50 and you can relax, charge your phone and get free well drinks.
Danielle: Do you drink well drinks?
Chris: Oh God, no. I’ve worked in a bar too long to drink that shit. That’s like being a Starbucks barista and drinking Folgers. I’m a big boy, I can pay for Ketel.
Danielle: Did you drink a lot?
Chris: No, I just had a couple and then took a Xanax so I could sleep on the plane. I kind of wish I had drank more though. Probably would have helped.
Danielle: Helped what?
Chris Seeing my Dad. He isn’t exactly the warm and fuzzy type. Our interactions are always pretty sterile and stoic.
Danielle: How did it feel when you had that first drink?
Chris: Like the pressure was off. All the aches and pains—both physical and mental—that had developed during my month of detoxing immediately went away. But I did have some mixed feelings about it and asked myself if it was something I really wanted to do because there is always the risk of slipping back into the pattern of drinking a lot. But I won’t lie, there was also some excitement to it.
Danielle: Excitement, as in “Let’s party?”
Chris: More like excitement to not have to worry about thinking so much because I can numb myself a little bit with alcohol. When you are newly sober, you tend to take things too seriously; you are hyper sensitive and tense. Even walking my dog can seem difficult. It’s nice to have a relief from that.
Danielle: Do you feel like you are in a better place mentally when you are drinking?
Chris: Well, obviously alcohol puts a haze on things that can make them easier to deal with. There is an emotional distance I get when I am drinking, even when I am hung over, that allows me to tolerate people and things that I find really annoy or stress me out when I am not drinking.
Danielle: So how were things with your family?
Chris: My stepmom is a sweetheart so the first 24 to 36 hours were tolerable, but then I started to remember why I only see my dad every few years. It reminded me of why I drink.
Danielle: Do share.
Chris: My dad just…isn’t cool. He’s super negative with everything. We can’t drive down a street without him pointing out spots where people were killed or businesses that are going bankrupt. It’s crazy. And he can’t seem to stop treating me like I’m 12.
Danielle: What do you think that’s about?
Chris: It’s some kind of regression thing, like he thinks that by telling me I need to eat my pancakes he is somehow making up for lost time. He must feel like it’s some weird second chance to be a parent.
Danielle: Does he need a second chance?
Chris: I mean, I think he’s an alcoholic. And you know how they say that you stop growing emotionally when you start drinking heavily? I think he never really matured as a person or as a parent.
Danielle: Yeah, I can imagine that is hard to deal with.
Chris: He just doesn’t make sense a lot of the time. I’ll have a conversation wit him about something and instead of talking about the issue, he will just go off on some tangent of about how everyone is trying to screw you. Instead of asking how my life is, he’d rather point out where people died. I think happiness for him is when he is drinking.
Danielle: Does he know about your struggles?
Chris: Yes, when I was in the program I gave him a copy of the Big Book. He said he skimmed through it. But he did end up opening up to me a bit about his struggles.
Danielle: And what were his struggles?
Chris: He never did a program or anything like that. I just think he has encountered a good amount of problems over the years as a result of his drinking. Nothing crazy, just normal alcohol shit. We definitely never talked about how alcoholism is genetic or that my drinking might have been a result of my environment. But all of that contributes to it. I didn’t just start drinking the way I do for no reason. But it wasn’t until I got sober that I was really able to see the devastation drinking can do to a family.
Danielle: I know you sent the first interview we did to your dad. How did he react to it?
Chris: Really well. He wrote me back this really nice email thanking me for sharing it with him. We connected like two adults rather than like father and son. It was like we were friends. He even offered not to drink during my trip. [Laugh] I should probably have taken him up on that.
Danielle: Do you think that his drinking made things worse?
Chris: He was getting on my nerves from the get go but when the drinking started, it just got ugly. He started getting mouthy about family stuff—my brother and his kids—throwing his opinions around, wanting me to take sides. I told him he could really be a mean drunk and he snapped. He just looked at me, disgusted. For a second, I thought he was going to hit me.
Danielle: Wow. Yeah, it sounds like you might have said something that deep inside he already knows.
Chris: I think maybe it triggered him. I am not in his head but maybe he thinks I blame him for everything.
Danielle: Do you?
Chris: No. But I can’t say I am not resentful towards him about some stuff. When I wanted to get sober a few years ago, I came to him and asked if he would help me out with rehab. He said no. I know he doesn’t owe me that but it might have been nice for him to at least want to help me get better.
Danielle: How was the rest of the week with him?
Chris: Are you kidding? I left the next day. I packed my shit and had him drop me at hotel. But not before we did an hour-and-half comedy tour of the city that we had pre-bought tickets for. Nope, nothing awkward about that.
Danielle: And how have things been since then?
Chris: Been drinking a little bit more than I would normally because I am grieving this thing between me and my dad. It’s probably not going to be able to be worked out.
Danielle: What makes you say that?
Chris: Because he’s never going to apologize and neither am I. What I can’t stop thinking about—and what will be hard—is when I get the call that he has passed. I don’t know how I am going to deal with that.
Danielle: Have you noticed any physical differences this month from last?
Chris: With the emotional aspect and the heavier drinking, I just feel like I have maybe gained some weight and I am feeling depressed. I am tired of mourning and processing the stuff with my dad. But my emotions are a little bit better.
Danielle: Have you noticed any external differences this month as opposed to last?
Chris: Had a few more hook ups this month. One girl I met at a bar, one I knew from somewhere else.
Danielle: Have you had any thoughts, feelings, and revelations from your 30-day hiatus?
Chris: Yeah, that I didn’t like the 30-day hiatus. I think it was healthy but I didn’t like it. Too many ghosts and demons, I needed to put those away. If I am going to try sobriety again, it needs be more structured.
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