When I was still actively drinking, I used to try to “exercise off” my hangover. I’d routinely punish myself with the hottest yoga imaginable, almost barfing from nausea throughout the class. I’d run the streets of Hollywood, which would make my sickness worse because they smell like garbage, urine and broken dreams. I would hike LA’s beloved Runyon Canyon, cursing last night’s wine consumption the entire way. I would do all this while trying to convince myself that this constant cycle of hangovers and illness on a very regular basis were normal.
Deep down I knew this wasn’t the person I wanted to be. I didn’t want to be the bloated chick in the back row, dripping with the toxins from last night’s “good time.” I wanted to be the serene, clear-skinned woman in the front row, proudly gazing into her own eyes in the mirror while she balances effortlessly in tree pose. That woman probably already ran errands and went on a three-mile run before the 8 am class. I wanted to be that person who wakes up early to exercise on weekends without first vomiting up the previous night’s debauchery and whatever carbs were used to soak up the booze.
Well, I’m happy to report (however obnoxious it may sound) that after two years of sobriety, I am slowly sort of becoming that person. This June, I officially completed my first fitness/nutrition challenge and I did it all publicly. That’s right, I’ve got an Instagram account that has an endless stream of smoothies, sweaty selfies and roasted vegetables. (It’s @CrazySexyCarbohydrate if you want to follow. Get it? Like, TLC’s Crazy Sexy Cool? I may have an earnest fitness Instagram with an excessive amount of hash tags, but I’m still a comedian, dammit.) Anyway, this is all soooo not me. Or is it? Isn’t this what the former lush-dry-heaving-in-hot-yoga wanted? I have always been quick to make fun of people who flex in the mirror and post a picture of it online…until I was the one doing it. That’s right, world: I’ve changed.
The Bikini Series (the official name for previously mentioned challenge) is the brainchild of the trainers and founders of Tone It Up, Katrina Scott and Karena Dawn. If you haven’t heard of Tone It Up, I’m happy to give it free press here (#tiuteam!) otherwise, you will hear of it soon enough. These two Southern California beauties brilliantly created a social media workout program that combines an enthusiastic online community with a brand that makes you want to get fit. The entire challenge involves “checking in” every day with pictures on Instagram of your workouts and/or your meals. Certain hashtags immediately qualify you to win weekly prizes. It’s also a great way to find other women doing the challenge, so you can bond with complete strangers over the insanely difficult plyometric lunges you both did that day. They send a weekly schedule with daily exercise instructions and videos, and for those who buy their nutrition plan, there is also a daily breakdown of exactly what to eat and tons of recipes. I loved the freedom to post food pics with absolutely zero shame. And while I never weighed myself or took measurements, I definitely saw real change in my body, both in the mirror and in my pants (that sounds gross…they were looser…my pants).
Back to how this relates to sobriety: I NEVER could have done something like this if I was still drinking alcohol. Back then, I could never really see results from any sort of eating or exercise plan because I consumed way too many calories and sugar through booze. I remember doing a boot camp once and when they took all of our body fat percentage before it started, mine was significantly higher than everyone else’s. The trainer was congratulating another woman on how healthy hers was and I remember getting really defensive. “Well, I mean, does she drink? I drink so I can’t help it! What do you want me to do: not drink beer?!” as if that was some sort of handicap that I couldn’t control, permanently preventing me from ever altering my BMI. Don’t worry, my message is not about how you can’t have self-worth unless you’re a certain body fat percentage. I’m just pointing out that I was willing to constantly choose drinking and “having fun” over absolutely everything else in life—like my health and physical appearance—which were secretly really important to me.
Besides just the extra calories, alcohol found other ways to derail whatever healthy exercise or eating routine I was allegedly following. I’ve always worked out, but since leaving the structured confines of high school track and cross-country (which I sucked at, by the way), I’ve never truly pushed my limits or stuck to a legit get-in-serious-shape program. Hangovers always got in the way. Progress was inevitably stunted by me getting drunk and saying, “Fuck the South Beach Diet and my trainer. I’m hammered and want three bowls of pasta with pesto right now.” Shockingly, that always put a wrench in the whole “lose eight pounds of belly fat in one week” South Beach promise.
The Tone It Up gals have something called “Wine Not Wednesdays.” That’s when—you guessed it—everyone on the plan can sip rosé and hashtag about it. (I don’t know why, but the trainers are really obsessed with rosé in particular.) They say it’s fine to have “one to two glasses” which is comical since if I was enjoying #winenotwednesday, it would mean the rest of my plan would suffer. I would drink a bottle and be too sick to complete my #booytcall the next morning. (Bootycall is what they call the morning workout. Cheesy but catchy, right?) So this challenge was yet another reminder: I am incapable of drinking in moderation. On those days, I instead rewarded myself with a few doses of refined sugar through the course of eight weeks while the rest of the #tiuteam drank their wine.
A few people in my life didn’t really understand why I did this since I am not necessarily overweight (although my chronic body dysmorphia begs to differ). My response was: why not? I have the time and the energy. I don’t have any injuries. I love to cook and exercise. And most importantly, I don’t drink and am never hungover—how else am I supposed to fill my time? I might as well get into the best shape of my life.
I don’t have any sort of dramatic body transformation to show you (Spoiler alert: the chick in this picture isn’t me. There are plenty of me on the Insta though!) The differences are subtle but I definitely feel a lot stronger physically. The main thing I’ve gained is a sense of achievement and another reminder of the importance of accountability. If I didn’t have that social media account to check in at every day, I probably wouldn’t have stuck to the program. Doing all these workouts and sticking to the healthy eating 90% of the time was by no means easy. But since I’ve already quit drinking, in a way, it was. Being sober is the ultimate test for getting out of one’s comfort zone. As a result, a lot of other challenges in life just seem like cake. In the case of this Bikini Series, that cake was gluten, dairy and refined sugar free.
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