I was active in my eating disorder for 30 years, between the ages of eight and 38. I had a history of compulsive eating, binge eating, anorexia and bulimia. The last 11 years of it were mostly compulsive eating and compulsive exercise then addiction to caffeine and natural stimulants. In my mind, for those last 11 years, I was no longer acting out because I wasn’t actively restricting or purging and because I’d never been diagnosed and treated, I continued to manipulate my behaviors.
Then, when I was 38, I went into organ failure. I was in the hospital and the doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I was a stay at home mom with four kids and a fitness instructor, appearing healthy on the outside. They had 10 different doctors do every test imaginable but there was no physical organic source to identify for this decline so they brought in a psychiatrist.
I was shocked when I told him everything I was doing and he said I had a severe eating disorder. I didn’t look sick or believe I was sick. I thought for sure I’d get to Rosewood [Center for Eating Disorders] and they’d send me home because I didn’t look the part. Instead, I spent five weeks in inpatient, five weeks in PHP and five months in IOP in Tempe. Within a week I realized not only how sick I was in my eating disorder behaviors but also how deep the behaviors went—the perfectionism, co-dependency and control. The way I’d been living my life for 30 years was this complete cycle of insanity—the pursuit of perfectionism for myself physically and every aspect of my life. I drove my body and my family to a state of complete demise.
I completely committed to recovery and Rosewood—they were my Higher Power. I did exactly what they told me to do: break the compulsion of my strict exercise routine completely even though that was my identity and surrender my fitness instructor job. My husband filed for divorce while I was in treatment so then I was no longer a wife. I was just a mom, a mom in recovery, and that became my one and only focus. The hardest part of being in treatment was leaving my kids, who were two, four and seven at the time, and allowing someone else to care for them. In my head, I thought, “Okay, first of all, they won’t keep me 29 days because I’m not that sick. I know I’ll be home in 30 days.” Well, 30 days became 10 weeks. I knew I had to make that commitment in order to be there for my kids—that was the biggest decision I’d ever made.
The alumni program really became important to me after I left IOP. I went to treatment on January 9, 2011 and I left August 1. From then until now, the alumni program has been my number one source of accountability and support. Working my 12th step has been my advocacy. I’ve been able to commit to advocacy work in the eating disorder world. They are my go-to, they are my people, not only the Rosewood coordinator, Shannon, but my peers—people I had been in treatment with, people who came after me. When I am struggling, I am able to reach out. Most of our day-to-day communication is done via Facebook. We do a lot of personal texting, too.
What does “doing well” look like for someone in recovery from an eating disorder? For me personally, doing well would definitely be a commitment to meal plans. I still see my dietician at Rosewood IOP in Tempe. There are not many people in eating disorder recovery as stringent as I am. I am definitely fully committed to Rosewood. My first three therapists were at Rosewood. I wanted to make sure that consistency was there, that I was following Rosewood’s philosophy. Each person in treatment has a plan tailored to him or her. Part of my plan is that I don’t ever know my weight: I surrendered it to my dietician.
I also base how I’m doing on my thoughts. The thoughts are what really define my needing to reach out for help. I can be following plans just fine; that doesn’t mean my thoughts aren’t crazy. Just because I’m not acting out in my behaviors doesn’t mean I have serenity and peace in my mind. The longer I’ve been out of treatment, the longer my periods of peace and serenity. I can do that through the alumni program. When I’m struggling, that’s where I go to ask for help. I can go to the alumni Facebook page and post something as simple as “I’m having a hard time.” On my better days, I give support. Every time that I comment on someone’s post, I am reminding myself of what it takes to stay in recovery. Celebrate Recovery and Rosewood are my two lifelines. They are both 12-step. Every time I comment on someone’s post I am doing a 12th step and remembering how hard it is. I see someone else struggling and it reminds me of how far I’ve come and how easy it would be to go back there. Every time I give positive words of encouragement, it keeps me honest and accountable. My biggest challenges are trying to be needless and isolating. If am active in alumni program, then I can’t be.
Every year, I go to the annual reunion. It’s just this amazing reunion of alumni and staff and it’s a combination of tune-up work, body image seminars, dietary seminars and therapeutic seminars. It’s really bringing us together to reconnect, make new relationships and meet people from Facebook, in real life. It’s a place for people to ask and receive help, and an amazing opportunity to bond, reconnect and strengthen relationships.
I had opportunity in 2014 to give back at a higher level where I facilitated an alumni art groups. We did repurposing and painting. I was never an artist before going into treatment. In the last five years, that’s something I’ve uncovered about myself. I used to be so busy trying to be perfect that I never slowed down enough to tap into that skill. Then, in October, I went with other alumni to Washington, DC and lobbied for The Anna Westin Act. Westin was a young lady whose insurance denied coverage for her eating disorder treatment, claiming she didn’t meet medical criteria to go to an inpatient facility. She tragically committed suicide. Now, her mother and father, Kitty and Mark Westin, are trying to get a bill passed that takes way the right for insurance companies to decide when enough is enough when it comes to eating disorders. I’m also involved, through the Rosewood alumni program, with Operation RecoverED. We go into schools and speak to sixth grade through college level students. It’s been extremely important for me to speak to students. When I was their age, I thought I was the only one in the whole world who would come home from school and eat the amount and quantity I was eating without ever getting full. The shame and guilt that came from that—it was 44 years ago, so there wasn’t any eating disorder awareness. No one talked about mental illness, anxiety or depression. My number one goal when I’m speaking to these kids is letting them know they’re not alone and there is help. That is why I share my story as much as I possibly can.
All of these things that I had accepted about myself—that I was just an angry, controlling perfectionist—I have been able to change by working every single day the past five and half years. We changed my meal plan recently. It was the first big change in five years. It knocked me off my feet. Don’t mess with my food and don’t mess with exercise; my head is just waiting for an opportunity to return to old patterns. But these are challenges I’ve been able to work through. I have to use the tools I’ve been practicing because all these thoughts, voices and urges come right back to surface. The difference is, I choose not to act out on them. It’s just like drugs or alcohol, regardless of the trigger, it’s our choice whether or not we use the drug, or use the tools we’ve been practicing. Because I have been continually rehearsing what to do in stressful situations, it’s been very difficult, but I haven’t acted out. If we decide this meal plan isn’t worth the stress, we’ll change it again. I can let go of that control and perfectionism, for the most part.
I have texted more times in the last three weeks and done more posts on Rosewood Facebook page probably than I have in the last three years because of this life change. The others are right there, some I haven’t talked to since the last reunion. It makes me feel loved, heard, safe and understood. It takes away that craziness. No one else can understand unless they’ve lived through addiction and recovery. Those are people I need to go to when I’m struggling. If we didn’t have the alumni page, the annual reunion, lobbying Congress or Operation RecoverED, we wouldn’t have the connection. I’m able to go speak at the facility in Wickenburg three times a year. I speak at some other facilities too. I speak with patients and share my story. If I have just one patient say, “Thank you. Thank you for giving me hope,” that’s full circle.
Want to learn more about Rosewood Center for Eating Disorders? Reach Rosewood Center for Eating Disorders by phone at (844) 461-6713 or by email. Find Rosewood Center for Eating Disorders on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, LinkedIn, YouTube and Pinterest
Photo provided by Rosewood Center for Eating Disorders. Used with permission.
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