People get sober in all sorts of ways. Sometimes they just quit on their own. Sometimes they go to rehab. They show up in 12-step rooms, ashrams, churches and their parents’ basements. There is no one right way—something we’ve aimed to show in our collection of How I Got Sober stories. While we initially published these as either first person essays by our contributors or as interviews with anonymous sober folks, we eventually began to realize that there were other stories to tell: yours. This is our reader spotlight and this, more specifically, is Jill L.:
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What is your sobriety date?
April 28, 2006
Where did you get sober?
Mount Laurel, New Jersey
When did you start drinking?
Age 16
How would you describe your life before you quit drinking?
Chaotic, risky, dangerous, disorganized and depressed.
What were your childhood and teenage years like?
I grew up in an affluent area and never wanted for anything material. But my mom was really strict and very focused on appearances. From the time I was seven years old, I felt different. I had lots of body image issues. Anxiety and depression followed me forever. My father was a prominent physician but was an intravenous drug user. He was physically abusive when he was around. He died in a car accident when I was 10. I started smoking weed at 14. I got drunk for the first time on my 16th birthday and I thought alcohol was the answer right away. It made me feel so much prettier, smarter and funnier. I began to drink on weekends in my last couple years of high school then went to college in New York when I was 18 where my drinking really took off. Blackouts started when I was 19. Alcohol never seemed like a problem to me. I always assumed my problem was how I drank. I never knew what the outcome would be if I was drunk.
When did you first think you might have a problem?
At age 38, I got a DUI but still didn’t label the problem as being alcoholic—just thought I needed to learn to drink “the right way!”
How did you rationalize your drinking?
I thought it was safe because it wasn’t a drug habit. I was scared of becoming a drug addict because I loved the effect of drugs and yet I knew my father had been an addict.
What do you consider your bottom?
There were a few “bottoms” at the end. I would tell myself every single morning before work that I wasn’t going to drink and yet I did every night. The realization that I had lost control and had become obsessed with the thought of drinking was very scary to me. I really thought I was too smart for that to happen. I tried to over-intellectualize everything. A few months later I drove in a blackout and when I came to, I was very far from home where my 15-year-old son was waiting for me. To this day, I still don’t know how I got home that night. Two weeks later I was beat up by someone I was drinking with. I had an out of body experience that night and I watched it all unfold before my eyes (I was very wasted) and it just clicked that it wasn’t just about me—I had a child to take care of and I knew I didn’t ever want to hurt him in any way. I had never looked at my drinking that way before. It had always just been about me. I thought it was harmless. Also, my brother—who was an addict—had relapsed and in that experience and the chaos that ensued, I realized I had a problem I needed to fix.
Did you go to rehab?
No.
Did you go to AA?
Yes. I went to a meeting a few days after my last drink.
If so, what did you think of it at first? How do you feel about it now?
I was petrified and my very first ever meeting was horrible. A few days later I went to a Big Book meeting close to home and I liked it. Though I didn’t understand anything about AA. I was convinced I could try it but ignore all the higher power stuff. Well, of course I was wrong. AA saved my life. I know it isn’t the way for every single alcoholic out there, but it gave me a life like I had never had before. I was introduced to the concept of God for the first time and I learned how to make a personal relationship with God, which I believe helped me lose the obsession to drink. I was being honest for the very first time in my life. It filled me with a tremendous amount of peace to unload my secrets.
What do you hate about being an alcoholic?
Nothing. After 10 years sober, I am grateful to be an alcoholic. It brought me to a place (on my knees) where I realized if I wanted to live the rest of my life in peace, I had to find a spiritual path. I never would have come to that conclusion on my own without AA, even if I had been able to quit drinking. AA taught me how to have a real life. I also was able to identify with a part of everybody’s story. For the first time in my life, I felt like there was a group of people I could be myself with—flaws and all.
What do you love about being an alcoholic?
See above.
What are the three best tools you have acquired to stay sober and happy?
Prayer and meditation, AA meetings and working with other alcoholics.
Do you have a sobriety mantra?
I know it’s said a lot but my mantra is “one day at a time.” No matter what I’m confronted with in my life, I just have to get through one day and then I have another chance the next day. There is never a reason for me to pick up a drink or drug. I have another way now.
What is the most valuable thing that has happened to you in recovery?
I have a fellowship of women and men in recovery that I can turn to for anything—any mess, any problem and any speed bump. They are there for me and will do anything to help. I can be myself and be in the moment enjoying life without the obsession to drink or use. I really believe in the power of our shared experiences and stories.
Have you worked the 12 steps? What is your opinion on them?
Yes. It taught me how to live in a way I never thought I could. I believe I’m a better version of myself when I continue to work the 12 steps in my life. I am more conscious of how I treat others and working with others is the best way for me to give back what I was so freely given. Working the steps on a daily basis helps me realize that not everything is all about me!
If you could offer a newcomer or someone thinking about getting sober any advice, what would it be?
Try a meeting. Talk to people who have been there. It’s an incredibly valuable tool to getting and staying sober.
Any additional thoughts?
Two weeks ago I buried my younger brother. He was 47. He was brilliant, handsome as hell, loving and big-hearted. He had two graduate degrees, a beautiful wife and two magnificent children. He had everything in life at one time. He lost everything and hit bottom many, many times due to his addiction to drugs. I knew his next bottom would have to be death. This disease does not discriminate. It is cunning, baffling and extremely powerful. My heart is broken over my loss and I am in pain like I’ve never felt before. In over 10 years of sobriety, I’ve never felt this way. And yet, I have no desire to pick up a drink or drug. I owe all of this to working a program and surrounding myself with fellowship. My heart—although aching from my brother’s death—is also full because I know I am loved and have people to lift me up. I am so grateful. I couldn’t feel this way without the miracle of sobriety.
Photo provided by Jill Levitt; used with permission. Click here to read all our other How I Got Sober stories.
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