(We’ve broken Brittney’s story into two parts; check back next week for part two.)
Click here to see all of our How I Got Sober stories.
What is your sobriety date?
March 10th, 2014
Where did you get sober?
Scottsdale, Arizona
How would you describe your life before you quit drinking?
I became a very miserable person, I started suffering from anxiety and depression worse than ever. I was great at covering it up though. I pretended like nothing hurt me. If I went through a break up, I didn’t allow myself to be sad, I went out and got wasted instead. If I lost a job or had a bad day, alcohol was there to ease the pain. I would wake up feeling full of shame and regret, but I would laugh it off and keep going. I lost my grandma at the end of 2013, I took a short break from drinking, I focused on school and told myself I was going to make my grandma proud. But once the semester was done, so was my promise to my grandma. I was out of control, I drank every night and if I didn’t drink I started to shake. I ignored all the signs and just kept going. I was scared, but I had no idea how to stop. I had no idea who I was anymore, the person I became was an absolute nightmare but there was no turning back in my eyes. I knew it wasn’t going to end well.
What was your childhood like?
I had a normal childhood. I come from a very close-knit family. My parents spent a lot of time with us and made sure that we were happy kids. We did a lot of fun things and took family vacations together every year. They might have had problems, but I knew nothing about them until I was in middle school. I was always shy growing up so when I switched schools in 7th grade, it felt like the end of the world. I felt like such an outcast and spent most days in the counseling office crying and asking if I could go back to my old school where all my friends were. Once I got to high school, I started drinking and everything seemed to fall into place. I made new friends, I had a boyfriend, and felt like I finally found my place in the world. I was 14 when I had my first blackout. I went to the hospital for alcohol poisoning when I was 15. Those things didn’t slow me down. I drank every weekend, sometimes on school nights and sometimes I even drank at school. But I was doing things that my friends were doing, so I was just a normal high school kid in my mind.
Once I got out of high school, I started partying even harder. I blacked out more and more. My relationship with my boyfriend became very dysfunctional because of my choices. I missed all my classes until I eventually stopped going to college all together. I would quit jobs or just stop showing up because they interfered with social life. I lost one of my best friends when I was 18 years old, and that is one of the first times I remember turning to alcohol so I didn’t have to face reality. I told myself I was just like every other person my age, even though drinking didn’t impact other people’s lives the way it had impacted mine.
How did you rationalize your drinking?
I told myself I was just young and having fun. I told myself that I deserved to drink; if people had to go through the things I went through they would drink too. Things could be much worse; I am not a real alcoholic. I always had an excuse so I did not have to face my problems. I started dating my current boyfriend, and once again I sabotaged my relationship. It became very toxic. Both of my relationships had very similar problems, and most were caused by me. The people that I dated seemed to be the only ones that would tell me I had a problem, and when they would do that, I would get very angry and end the relationship. I chose drinking over people I really cared about, because I thought they were trying to control me. I can look back now and see that they saw a side of me that other people didn’t when I wasn’t drinking and that is why my problem was so obvious in their eyes. They only wanted to help me, but I didn’t want to be helped. Drinking and partying were priorities in my life and everything else took a backseat to it.
What do you consider your bottom, i.e. a defining moment(s) that made you seek help?
I hit plenty of bottoms, but I just kept going. I went to jail. I went to the hospital. I ended up in a detox. I almost died when I was 15, and I put myself in plenty of situations that could have killed me or other people. I was suicidal—so unhappy in my own skin that I did not want to be alive at times. I could have kept going and tried to see how far I could tunnel down that black hole. You hit your bottom when you stop digging. I finally was sick and tired of how I felt, so I stopped digging. I never want to go back in that hole. I woke up in a fog on my grandma’s birthday, a couple months after she passed away and I had this moment of clarity, which I believe was because of her, and I knew I needed help. I called my brother and asked him to help me get into a rehab in Arizona and I flew there the next day.
Check back next week for part two.
Click here to see all of our How I Got Sober stories.