READER SPOTLIGHT: How I Got Sober: Becky J. (Part 2)
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READER SPOTLIGHT: How I Got Sober: Becky J. (Part 2)

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HIGS Becky JPeople get sober in all sorts of ways. Sometimes they just quit on their own. Sometimes they go to rehab. They show up in 12-step rooms, ashrams, churches and their parents’ basements. There is no one right way—something we’ve aimed to show in our collection of How I Got Sober stories. While we initially published these as either first person essays by our contributors or as interviews with anonymous sober folks, we eventually began to realize that there were other stories to tell: yours. This is our reader spotlight and this, more specifically, is Becky J.:

(We’ve broken Becky’s story into two parts; read part one here.)

Click here to see all of our How I Got Sober stories

Did you go to rehab?

I bought this “kick kit” from a shady doc who specialized in junkies who were trying to get clean on their own, without going to detox. I showed up at my parents’ house with a gallon ziplock full of pills that were supposed to keep me from dying while I went through withdrawal. I was planning to detox quietly in the basement and get on with my life. My mom took one look at me and knew something was horribly wrong. I was so tired of all the lying and bullshit, I just told my parents the truth. They begged me to go to rehab, but I refused. So, my mom took me to a doctor, who verified the meds were okay and supervised my withdrawal. Once I was clean, they made me start a year-long Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) at a local facility called Choices and Changes.

Did anything significant happen while in rehab that is important to your sobriety?

I had an amazing counselor in my outpatient program. Early on, she said something I will always remember. She was talking about her childhood and said nobody’s parents intend to fuck them up, they just do the best they can—and sometimes their best sucks. This has always stuck with me and I think it applies to more than just parenting. It made me realize that I believe people are basically good and want to do the right thing.

Did you go to 12-step?

I went to a meeting every day for the first three years of my recovery. I’m a huge believer in the 90 in 90 [going to 90 meetings in 90 days]. Meetings were the only place I felt safe in the beginning. I knew for two hours I wasn’t going to get loaded or do anything too stupid. Some people feel like going hardcore in 12-step is substituting one addiction for another or brainwashing. I needed a healthy addiction and my brain was really fucking dirty. I didn’t go on methadone or antidepressants or anything, I just did meetings, steps and service. I’m not saying this will work for everybody, but that’s my story.

What did you think of 12-step at first? How do you feel about it now?

I was intimidated by the honesty in the rooms and also drawn to it. I wasn’t used to people admitting they were wrong or showing emotions. Active addiction makes us jaded. You have to put on that armor to survive out there. It was a huge relief for me to just get real and admit I was scared and miserable. I found service to be so therapeutic in the beginning. I loved feeling useful and I didn’t really want to talk to anybody, but if we had a common task it was easier. I truly believe being of service in the fellowship gave me the confidence to go back to school, to succeed in my career and to make a lifelong habit of helping others.

I love 12-step, but I’ve grown up in recovery. Now I know not everybody is in meetings because they honestly want to recover. I’m a little jaded by 12-step meetings these days because I’ve seen predators use it as a hunting ground and emotionally broken individuals take advantage of vulnerable newcomers to make themselves feel powerful. I have witnessed really corrupt people hide behind the traditions for personal gain. Those who have great potential can get caught up in the 12-step lifestyle and hide out, afraid to ever live in the real world. I look back at my early days and feel so grateful that I found a solid group of people that took care of me and loved me when I was such a mess, but also encouraged me to go out and live my life.

I’m still committed to the 12-step way of life because it continues to work for me. I can’t save everybody, I’m not one of those 12-step Captain Save a ‘Hos. But I do feel obligated to be an example of somebody who has grown up in the rooms and built a sane, well-rounded life in recovery because of the 12 steps. I want to help other women rebuild their lives.

What else did you do to seek help and stay sober?

I’ve tried a bunch of stuff to compliment my 12-step recovery. I’ve been to therapy to work out specific issues that I felt couldn’t be fully addressed by the steps. I also worked with a massage therapist and energy healer for the first six years of my recovery. She helped me recognize the hurt and anger I was carrying in my body and worked with me to let it go. Today, I’m big into self-care and feeling good. I make sure I get time by myself to meditate and stay connected to who I am and what I need. Life gets full and busy in recovery and sometimes we get so caught up in caring for others and giving back, we neglect ourselves just like we did when we were using. I believe regular massages and pedicures are part of my amends to myself.

Have you worked the 12 steps? What is your opinion on them?

I work the hell out of the steps. I’ve been through them too many times to count and even worked specific steps on certain situations. I think they are the best defense against the insanity of this disease. I’ve had the same sponsor for more than 14 years. She and I have built an amazing, deep friendship based on her commitment to work steps with me.

What do you hate about being an alcoholic?

I hate that there’s always a little voice in my head that says “more, more, more.” That’s still how this disease manifests in my life today—it’s just not about the drugs and alcohol anymore. It’s about the shopping, Twitter, TV, coffee, chocolate, all that shit. I have to stay vigilant because I can make anything a problem, even things that start out harmless.

What do you love about being an alcoholic?

I love the tribe of recovering people I have in my life. They are so special and deep. I think people who have lived dirty and made a conscious effort to change have a unique ability to embrace honesty and purity. I also love the empathy I have learned in recovery. I can be a little hard. I was born giving zero fucks, like I would have made a great psychopath. I remember kicking boys in the balls for fun as a kid and laughing when they cried. Recovery has allowed me to soften and taught me to care about others.

I know it sounds like a big cliche but everything in my life is because of recovery. After I got clean, I found opportunities that I would have never had otherwise. I was able to go back to school, get a couple degrees, build a career, meet a great guy, not fuck it up, get married and have an awesome kid. I’m more motivated to have a happy, healthy life because of who I used to be. I’m motivated to keep evolving and learning how to be a kick-ass grown up. I never thought I deserved this type of life before I got clean. Now I need recovery more than ever because being a responsible member of society is really fucking hard and I still have the addict instinct to sabotage myself. I need the steps and the support of my people to successfully navigate the life I have built.

What are the three best tools you have acquired to stay sober and happy?

  1. Don’t pick up that first drink—it all starts with that first one.
  2. Admit when you’re wrong, it’s the only way to let love into your life.
  3. Take care of yourself first. You’re no good to anybody if you aren’t healthy and sane.

Do you have a sobriety mantra?

Take chances—on people, on experiences, on opportunities.

Life is really small and scary when you’re loaded. In recovery we all deserve to really live, not just exist. The worst thing that can happen is you will fail. Addicts and alcoholics are awesome at failing up. Our lives are proof of that.

What is the most valuable thing that has happened to you in recovery?

When I was nine months clean, I got arrested in my swimsuit on my way to a recovery picnic. I was riding without a seatbelt in the back of a Jeep and they took me to jail because I had some old warrants in another county. I figured I could handle them when I got to Step Eight, but that’s not how it worked out. I spent about a week in jail, and had to ride the chain gang across the state (for those who don’t know, that’s a bus full of criminals being transported to other counties). I was still in my swimsuit because they won’t give you a jail jumpsuit until you are officially booked in the county where you are being charged. Or maybe that’s a lie and they just thought it was funny I was in my red Pam Anderson Baywatch-style one piece on a bus full of murderer rapists.

That experience happened at a time when I was feeling a bit ambivalent about recovery. The pink cloud was gone and the hard work was just beginning. I was on the fence, thinking maybe I had a little game left—maybe it would be different this time and I could just drink like a normal person. Then I got arrested and my nine months of going to meetings every day and working steps kicked in. I recognized that these were the consequences of my past actions and accepted that I deserved it. I tried to find the positive and the lesson in the midst of the mess.

The most valuable realization came to me when I was finally dressed in my orange jumpsuit and waiting to see the judge. I listened to the other women talk about why they were in jail and every single one had a story that included addiction. Even the ones who weren’t there on alcohol or drug charges were locked up because of violence or theft—directly resulting from addiction. I saw very clearly that this is where my life would end up if I continued to drink. I knew deep in my soul that I was not supposed to be there and made a decision to never go back.

If you could offer a newcomer or someone thinking about getting sober any advice, what would it be?

People without a problem don’t really spend a lot of time thinking about getting sober. Give it your best effort for 30 days, if your life doesn’t change for the better, your misery will gladly be refunded.

Photo courtesy of Becky J. Used with permission.

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About Author

AfterParty Magazine is the editorial division of RehabReviews.com. It showcases writers in recovery, some of whom choose to remain anonymous. Other stories by AfterParty Magazine are the collective effort of the AfterParty staff.