As someone who clearly has a fetish for reviewing rehabs, I was delighted to stumble upon Gawker’s recent piece on how far Malibu rehabs will go to accommodate their fussy and entitled clientele—which is apparently quite far. From staunch nudists to codependent dog owners, the Malibu-model treatment centers don’t merely provide poolside lounging, gourmet meals and yoga; they’re actually fully prepared to cater to your every whim, as long as your whim doesn’t include drugs or alcohol.
I have to admit, the Gawker piece is very funny—especially the exchange between “Janet,” the “personal assistant for a high net-worth individual,” and the admissions staff member at Cliffside Malibu, who handled the situation with the utmost professionalism and flair; frankly, I am not quite sure what the purpose of this exercise was beyond to show how well these rehabs handle things. Not that humor is an unworthy cause—Tosh.0 proves people will sit through almost anything for the possibility of a laugh—but I got the sense that authors Chris and Joe, who admittedly have been involved to the world of recovery, might have been using this as a way to blow off steam on resentments they are harboring toward successful rehabs.
Still, this piece is funny because it’s relatable; we have all dealt with some microcosm of the customer or boss or client that is so utterly disconnected from reality that she would request that her dog groomer accompany her to rehab. There are plenty of people who are infected with over-privilege and self-obsession—a lethal combination for alcoholics and addicts. Although “Janet” isn’t a real assistant to a real person, you can bet that the reason Cliffside Malibu handled it so perfectly—with respect and without judgment—is that they probably get emails like that on a daily basis. And we should be thankful for rehabs like this, because the wealthy, eccentric and mute actress could very well be your beloved aunt who may be weird but is like a second mother to you and is dying from her addiction to Oxycontin. I’m personally thrilled that there is a place that will take her and her two prize King Charles Cavaliers.
Sponsored DISCLAIMER: This is a paid advertisement for California Behavioral Health, LLC, a CA licensed substance abuse treatment provider and not a service provided by The Fix. Calls to this number are answered by CBH, free and without obligation to the consumer. No one who answers the call receives a fee based upon the consumer’s choice to enter treatment. For additional info on other treatment providers and options visit www.samhsa.gov.
