If you go to 12-step meetings when you first get sober and you’re an emotional mess, you are bound to get hit with a bunch of annoying clichés. One that sticks with me is: When you get sober the good thing is you get to feel your feelings and the bad thing is you get to feel your feelings. Yeah, no kidding.
I will never forget the first six months of my sobriety—I was numb. The only time that I could really feel was watching music videos of some of my favorite songs. I have so many on my list, including Blue October’s Hate Me (which is great if you are feeling suicidal), but here are my eight favorites.
1) Tears Are Falling by KISS
My ex loved KISS, ok? So anything by KISS triggered painful emotions for me. In early recovery, I watched many Kiss videos, had a good cry and felt better. This particular video opens with Paul Stanley standing calmly in a corner of a spacious living room, while his crazed girlfriend is ripping curtains off the windows. For some reason, all the furniture is covered with sheets. He ignores her. She has tears falling, hence the song title. Suddenly, there’s KISS in full 1980s regalia onstage, all sporting those glam metal hairdos that make them look like they have giant Schnauzers perched on top of their heads.
But here’s the clincher, Paul doesn’t look upset at all! Nope. He’s grinning and dancing. Plus, he’s playing a classic BC Rich Ironbird, wearing some weird pink jacket with flowery leggings. So he can afford that guitar, and walk out on his girlfriend and leave her with zilch? When I first got sober, and watched this video, I relived the painful memory of when my ex walked out on me. But I thank KISS for their deep lyrics, because this song helped me deal with feelings of abandonment, misery and regret. I destroyed the little Peter Criss doll (complete with drum set) that my ex left behind. I feel bad about that poor doll.
2) How You Remind Me by Nickelback
This particular one is close to my heart, mainly because the dude who walked out on me in 2007 trashed my Nickelback CD, Silver Side Up, which features this song. Anyway, in this video, Chad Kroeger, Nickelback’s lead singer appears tormented by visions of his gorgeous ex girlfriend. Listening to the lyrics, its pretty obvious that Chad has turned to drinking.
I’ve been down
Into the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream
Are we having fun yet?
What I personally found empowering about this video is that when delusional Chad sees the gorgeous ex for the last time, he pushes her away and she disappears! I really loved that moment, because I hoped if Chad from Nickelback could let go of the past, so could I.
3) It’s My Life by Bon Jovi
In this classic goodie, we have a young teen, whose mother demands that he takes out the garbage. But the boy is determined to get to the Bon Jovi concert. He bolts out of his house, clutching a bag full of garbage, finds a sanitation truck, hops on and dumps the trash. Then he loses his balance and he falls off the truck landing on top of a woman walking six dogs in the street. But never fear our young hero will not give up! He takes off on foot until he makes it to the concert. Talk about not giving up—this guy isn’t trudging, he’s running! Is Bon Jovi in AA? Because I swear these words are recovery words to live by.
It’s my life
It’s now or never
I ain’t gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
4) Gethsemane from the musical Jesus Christ Superstar (1973)
This video had a profound affect on me. There’s Jesus walking around in some white robe, talking to God, and he is in the desert! I got sober in the Antelope Valley desert. Historically, the Gethsemane portrayed in the Bible was a garden full of ancient olive trees, but I suppose the director thought it would be cool to have poor Ted Neeley (who played Jesus) climbing rocks in some desert in Israel, where the movie was filmed. When Neeley’s Jesus sang, I felt a spark of hope. It was kind of odd to have Jesus Christ Superstar as my Higher Power for a bit, but hey, it worked.
5) Agapi by Despina Vandi
My first language was Greek, so naturally I talk to myself (and to my dogs) in Greek. In early recovery I watched a lot Greek music videos, mainly those of Despina Vandi, who is regarded as the Madonna of Greece. During this period, I was immersed into self-pity and I truly believed that nobody loved me, so writing that fourth step inventory was a piece of cake. Greeks are very dramatic and get right to the point. Consider these lyrics (translated from the Greek).
My childhood, two drops of joy
that they have dried on the clothes that
I wear now—nobody gave me love.
6) Until It Sleeps by Metallica featuring the San Francisco Symphony Orchestra
These guys seem pretty pissed off most of the time, and their music helped me connect to my own feelings of rage. I watched a lot of Metallica in early recovery. I must have been really pissed off.
7) Call Me When You’re Sober by Evanescence
In this song, rock goddess Amy Lee (who is dressed like a character out of Penny Dreadful, as usual) is in love with a gorgeous alcoholic. The message is clear—the relationship has gone south. During the course of this video, we watch Lee levitate in the sky like a sexy version of Linda Blair in The Exorcist. She also hanging out with a husky, or maybe it’s a wolf, which is even cooler. Or does the wolf really symbolize the boyfriend? Maybe the boyfriend a werewolf? Do we really care? This song is a chick anthem!
8) Fine Again by Seether
This video features an extremely miserable-looking Shaun Morgan singing his heart out. Turns out, Morgan dated Amy Lee, and the song “Call Me When Your Sober” is about their breakup. Maybe that’s why he’s so upset in this music video—Lee spilled the beans on his addiction! I must admit after I watch this video, I feel like ripping my hair out or going to a meeting. The latter choice is the healthier option, of course.
All these songs helped me learn what recovery is all about. Living a healthier life, embracing my feelings, going to meetings and working the steps…and watching KISS videos (well, in my case). And since KISS helped me stay sober, maybe I will even see them in concert one day, as an act of my appreciation. I feel like I owe Peter Criss an amends. Plus, I could have sold the doll on E-bay. I am sure it’s a collector’s item by now.
Sponsored DISCLAIMER: This is a paid advertisement for California Behavioral Health, LLC, a CA licensed substance abuse treatment provider and not a service provided by The Fix. Calls to this number are answered by CBH, free and without obligation to the consumer. No one who answers the call receives a fee based upon the consumer’s choice to enter treatment. For additional info on other treatment providers and options visit www.samhsa.gov.
