You Might Have A Drug Problem If…
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You Might Have A Drug Problem If…


This post was originally published on May 5, 2014.

If you have ever accidentally forgotten to pay your car registration for three years, you know how good it can feel to finally take care of it to victoriously parade out of the DMV with a surge of adulthood tingling down your spine. But in all my years of overdue parking tickets, I can’t say I’ve ever felt compelled to bring two friends along to join me in a post-payment parking lot dance-off; complete with genital flashing, public urination and drug possession. But then again, I’ve never been to Beaverton, Oregon.

Celebrate Good Times…Come On!

According to a recent news story, Coura Velazquez exited the Beaverton courthouse last Monday after paying a fine on a warrant and immediately celebrated with an all-girl twerk sesh in front of the courthouse windows with her two friends. Hey, if you got it, flaunt it—and Velazquez did—lifting her skirt and exposing herself while her friend, Brittney Medak, took a piss between cars (because a lady never squats in plain view). And just in case they wanted something to be able to show their grandchildren, the third friend, Leokham Yothsombath, documented it all on her camera phone.

I’m sure you will be as shocked as I was to learn that once the girls left the premises, they were pulled over and found in possession of illegal substances. Pot, pills, coke and meth were not just found in the car but on each girl respectively (look, if you are going to make a municipal courthouse run, you don’t want to run the risk of not getting arrested).

Keeping a Seat Warm

In the rooms of 12-step recovery, you’ll often hear stories about the stupid things people did when they were drunk or high, capped off with the expression, “That’s where my best thinking got me!” And Velazquez’s ill-planned errand day would certainly be a great piece for this platform. That’s not to say she or any of her friends have a problem, per se, just that if she were to decide that—I dunno—flashing people in broad daylight in front of a government building while in possession of methamphetamine was making her life unmanageable, we are more than happy to save a seat for her at the next meeting.

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About Author

Danielle Stewart is a Los Angeles-based writer and recovering comedian. She has written for Showtime, E!, and MTV, as well as print publications such as Us Weekly and Life & Style Magazine. She returned to school and is currently working her way towards a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. She loves coffee, Law & Order SVU, and her emotional support dog, Benson.