If there are strange things afoot in your neighborhood, it might be because someone’s on a meth rampage.
Meet the O’Neills. Brian, 38, is a business analyst. His wife Bridget, 32, is a graphic designer for Pokemon Company International. They live with two cats named Mogwai and Gizmo in Seattle’s university district. Basically, these are the kind of people I would totally try to make friends with if I lived in Seattle. And if I were a poltergeist (or a meth head), I would definitely choose their apartment to haunt.
Robbing for Drugs or Robber on Drugs?
Last Wednesday night, Brian and Bridget returned home to find their condo turned upside down. Clothing and torn-open junk mail littered the floor. Doorknobs were covered with lotion. A paint can floated in the toilet. The bed was piled high with electronics. And weirdest of all, all 20 pairs of Bridget’s shoes (but apparently none of Brian’s) had been brutally violated with their soles removed.
Strangely, nothing appeared to be missing. Understandably freaked out, the couple called the cops, who spent 45 minutes investigating the room. They decided that the home invader must have climbed the tree outside the O’Neills’ window to get inside. While they found a purse containing the ID card of a 27-year-old woman, they didn’t turn up any fingerprints. Creepy as hell.
Once the police packed up, though, things got even more interesting. The O’Neills had started straightening up the insanity when they encountered a couple more items they didn’t recognize. A mysterious bracelet. A shoe that wasn’t Bridget’s (and presumable still had a sole). Then they heard some disconcerting sounds from beneath the bed.
It’s Alive!!!
“It was a noise coming from something alive,” Brian said. “It sounded like a dying possum or raccoon. I had only heard wounded animals make that kind of noise before.” But it wasn’t coming from their cats. When the sound escalated to violent scratching, they were back on the phone with police. This time the terrified couple waited outside until the police emerged with a 90-pound woman in tow. She was the owner of the purse, shoe and bracelet and confessed to have spent the last few days on a self-described “meth rampage.”
In a fit of paranoia, the tiny tweaker had spent approximately two hours under the bed that was less than a foot above the floor. After the cops carted her off, the O’Neills discovered a kitchen knife under the bed. “Rather than use the knife to pop out and murder us, she was using the knife to deconstruct the box springs of the bed,” Bridget O’Neill explained. It was probably the same weapon she’d used to lay waste to Bridget’s shoe collection.
The O’Neills later discovered a hypodermic needle in their sheets and little locks of blonde hair scattered throughout the wreckage. Goldilocks, apparently, found that the crawl space beneath the mattress was just right.
She Picked The Right House to Rave
“Honestly, I feel kind of bad for her,” Bridget added. “This woman was so tiny and not together, it’s hard to be mad. If you describe yourself as being on a meth rampage, you’re probably in bad shape. I feel like regular old meth is bad enough.” Her attitude is impressive. It’s so refreshing to see some sympathy for drug addicts, even the one that has literally terrorized your home and ruined all your shoes.
This little horror story would make the world’s best TV commercial for something. Security systems? Bed pedestals? Not doing meth? The possibilities are endless. The O’Neills will be shopping for a new box spring, but not for a new condo. I guess if it happens again, they’ll know where to look.
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