Make Sure You’re Snorting Coke and Not a Dead Guy
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Make Sure You’re Snorting Coke and Not a Dead Guy


People have done all kinds of dumb things in the name of drugs, and it heartens me to know that these kids are keeping that tradition alive. It started as a normal burglary. They broke into a house, stole stuff like electronics and prescription drugs (normal) and grabbed a box of cocaine (normal). Except the box wasn’t cocaine, it was the boxed remains of the homeowner’s dad (not normal!).

There But For the Grace

I have to have some compassion for them. It’s so much easier to get caught these days, and when people do get caught, the Internet lets everyone know immediately. I’m so thankful there was no Internet or Twitter when I was a teen. I’m so glad that there’s no public record of any of my drunken rants or unfortunate in-the-moment photos on Facebook. I’m glad I was never caught.

But I was certainly involved in my share of chemical-induced idiocy. Once at a party, a friend offered mushrooms by opening an envelope full of them. I snatched up a handful and ran away. I was drunk and rude. Once I was drunk at a Japanese food place that had sake on tap at a back bar. When no one was looking, I kept refilling it on my own. I was once driving home after a party, nudged my friend and said, “Dude, wake up! Look how fast I’m going.” Not smart.

So, I get it. When you want drugs, you want drugs. And the prospect of getting them can be very exciting. It can cause a neural reaction that overrides logical thought.

Since I’ve been in similar situations, I can imagine what it was like when they realized that the cocaine was not cocaine. And so I will, literally.

The After Party Players Present

This is a dramatized scene of two teen burglars (BURGL 1 and BURGL 2) discovering that their cocaine is in fact something (or someone!) else.

BURGL 1: Dude, total score! We got all this money and stuff that’s not ours, and some coke!

BURGL 2: I know! Coke, dude! Coke!

BURGL 1: Open it up, let’s get to snortin.’

BURGL 2: On it!

Burgl 2 opens box. They both put some on finger, and put fingers in noses.

BURGL 2: Whoa! This is crazy good!

BURGL 1: Yeah!! I’m so…um. Hm. What’s coke feel like again?

BURGL 2: It feels awesome! Pass that box of brown, ashy cocaine. I want some!

BURGL 1: Well, that’s what I mean. Is cocaine brown and ashy and does it look like dirt? It’s supposed to be white, right?

BURGL 2: Maybe it’s really good coke. Maybe the really good stuff is, you know, brown and more like dirt.

BURGL 1: Really? I think it might be…

They put some more on the finger, more in the nose.  

BURGL 1: Yup! This isn’t coke. This is a person. Dude, we’re snorting a dude.

BURGL 2: Dude? Aw, dude.

The End

Nobody’s Perfect

Everyone makes mistakes. And if your mistake is something other than putting someone in your nose, that’s one for the Gratitude List.

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About Author

Laura House is a sober writer and comedian. She was born in Grand Prairie, Texas, educated at the University of Texas at Austin, and lives and works in Los Angeles. She's written on the sketch show Blue Collar TV, and half-hour sit-coms including The George Lopez Show, Mad Love, Loosely Exactly Nicole, as well as the Emmy-winning shows Samantha Who and Mom. In addition she has developed four original pilots with ABC, FX and Nickelodeon. She currently works as a producer on the BAFTA-winning BBC series, The Secret Life of Boys. She performs at recovery shows all over the country. She recently performed at the NA world convention in Orlando. Her album Mouth Punch is available on all platforms.