The fifth episode of Lindsay featured two people (not) arguing. Nope, no one was angry. Everyone wanted the best for each other. Just loved knowing you, now don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.
AJ Saves the Day
AJ, the Celebrity Life Coach and Fitness Guru and Our Lady of the Crazy Eyes, started the episode trying to hold things together despite the fact that nothing here ever was in her control. So she spoke increasingly desperate lingo, blathering on the way people do when they’re being made to look idiotic in public. Movers again have arrived at Lindsay’s house with a truck full of boxes, Lindsay has again barricaded herself against dealing with them and Lindsay’s wee assistant Matt is again martyring himself with joyless pride. So AJ started giving us Pippa Middleton-like lessons on How To Handle Stress. Surrounded by boxes and movers and piles of clothes, with Dina Lohan lurking like a lustful gargoyle near the Versace, AJ began yammering. “It’s time to create some peace! A fragrant candle, when you bring it to this type of environment, can make all the change in the world!”
Addiction Manifested
Lindsay was lucky she’d barricaded herself away from the situation and didn’t have to hear that shit. But of course no one knew where to put this truckload of her crap, except to send some items to a consignment shop where she ended up buying more. Shopping’s as good an addiction as any and letting her into the place was perhaps dangerous. After all, you don’t show the cookie monster your Thin Mints unless you’re prepared to have your arm bitten off.
And that’s just what Lindsay did when AJ mentioned something sensitive on camera. Linds has perhaps had her head so befuddled by Hollywood that she thought this paid employee with the ambitious crazy eyes and the lean, hungry jaw line was her friend. And then this friend went and told Lindsay—on camera—that her mother said she’d been drinking. Cue feline bristling, circular arguing, weepy defensiveness, illogical reasoning—much like that passive-aggressive vibe you get watching Marilyn Monroe interviews, where you can see under the cracked candy coating that the lady was pissed off.
Lindsay defended herself against her mother’s comments to AJ. “That was someone living in the guilt of her own actions projecting on me. If I were drinking I would have talked to Michael and gone to a meeting.” Then she added, “I’m not mad. You’d know if I was mad.”
Continued Chaos
Of course it’s actions that speak and Lindsay blew off meeting AJ in LA, didn’t apologize for doing so and then met her in a pasty shop where she angrily ignored the petit fours and said, essentially, she had better things to do there. Crazy Eyes looked hurt, grinned and asked: Did she meet new people? “No, I wasn’t there to meet people.” Hostile deep freeze till AJ hailed a cab, saying, “Sometimes it’s better to leave before it gets ugly.”
Then in an interview Lindsay admitted that yeah, she drank a glass of wine last month and she “just had so much guilt.” But AJ made the mistake of calling her on it, on camera. Of course, the two women were always worlds apart and just didn’t know it. AJ thought she was on a reality show, getting herself some publicity. And Lindsay thought she’d made a friend—one who would cover for her and just talk behind her back, as friends (and mothers, in Dina’s case) apparently do.
Next Week: Lindsay goes clubbing! Well, she needed to find a space that’ll hold all those boxes of hers…
Photo courtesy of Mark Rain via Flickr [(https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/)] (resized and cropped)
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