If You’re Going to Guzzle Bath Oil in Russia, Prepare to Die
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If You’re Going to Guzzle Bath Oil in Russia, Prepare to Die

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bath-oil-drinkingWhen I really wanted to get drunk, my standards lowered and I would find myself reaching for perhaps not the classiest bottle on the liquor store shelf: Mad Dog 20/20, Steel Reserve, boxed wine and an off -brand tequila no one has ever heard of are just a few of the gross drinks I drank because hey, it was there and it was usually really cheap. This wasn’t ever very cute but I did what I needed to do to get wasted. All of which is to say that I can understand the thinking of the almost 50 people in Siberia, Russia who reached for a bath oil in hopes of a quick buzz —and wound up losing their lives.

#RussianDrinking

The story, while undoubtedly tragic and shocking, is pretty common in Russia. The most recent numbers tell us 30% of the country’s deaths are caused by alcohol. With such an epidemic taking so many lives, the country’s rampant alcoholism is often referred to as “Putin’s Other War.” What this can mean is that when the country’s beloved vodka isn’t available, items that aren’t beverages per se but contain alcohol are slugged back. See, things like perfume, facial toner and bath oil are sold in Siberia without the trade restrictions of actual alcoholic drinks. This is all well and good (or at least as well and good as people pounding perfume can be) if the products only contain ethyl alcohol. But when the bath oil in question has traces of methyl alcohol and antifreeze, the results are deadly. (For what it’s worth, I don’t think I want to take a bath in something that contains traces of antifreeze, much less drink it, but I’ve never had to survive a Russian winter.) Also? That label alone seriously looks like something that could kill you. Nevertheless, it’s safe to say that Siberia probably isn’t overrun with TGI Fridays offering two for one beers and half priced jalapeno poppers and so these folks are just doing what they’ve got to do.

The Scary Science Behind It

The problem with drinking stuff that isn’t meant to be ingested is that the human body can’t handle the chemicals that were originally intended to fuel a jet or clean a floor. Itty bitty trace levels of methanol are found in most alcoholic drinks but according to the CDC, as little as one tablespoon of methanol can kill a person. Methanol becomes lethal when the body tries to break it down and the body metabolizes it into formaldehyde “and then into a compound called formic acid, which is highly toxic to cells,” according to the American Academy of Clinical Toxicology. Last year two teenagers from Tennessee discovered firsthand how deadly methanol is when they died after drinking “Dewshine,” a toxic mix of Mountain Dew and racing fuel.

Stop or You’ll Go Blind

Back in Siberia, investigators found a workshop that was manufacturing the sketchy bath oil, along with some bootleg vodka. Over 132 gallons of the liquid were confiscated by authorities. “It is a terrible tragedy,” Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov told Reuters. “This type of problem is well known and the president has been informed. Measures must be taken.”

While one would hope that an incident like this might be the wake up call Russia needs, it’s unlikely; as an Atlantic article from 2013 points out, only two anti-alcohol campaigns have ever been launched in the nation’s entire history and those are decades old.

The hard learned lesson with bootleg liquor isn’t strictly a Russian thing, however. For years, the planet has known about methanol and its potential to kill or even turn you blind but that hasn’t stopped tainted alcohol from also taking lives in the UK and Australia.

If it sounds crazy, just know that for this sober addict and alcoholic once caught in the crazy maze of addiction, that sort of insane thinking totally makes sense.

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About Author

Sean Paul Mahoney is a writer, playwright, blogger, tweeter, critic, podcaster and smartass for hire. He lives in Portland, Oregon with two ridiculous cats and one amazing husband. His book of essays Now That You’ve Stopped Dying will be published by Zephyr Bookshelf in fall 2018.