5 Signs You're Getting Dry

5 Signs You’re Getting Dry

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A couple months back, we told you all about ways to tell if you’re becoming a dry drunk. Those signs were primarily sobriety-focused. Here are a few more ways to tell if you might be shriveling up into a sad little raisin of sober misery—but these are focused more on everyday stuff like attitude and lifestyle. Read on, if you please:

1) Absolutely everything pisses you off.

Yes, that means absolutely everything, including but not limited to your best friend’s makeup application skills (or lack thereof); your brother’s propensity to dole out half-hugs and unsolicited feedback on your shoes at the drop of a hat; the way that old nasty bag of a woman just looked at you as she walked past (How dare she?!); and, of course, the non-alcoholic masses who dare drink some wine with dinner because, you know, they can. Those assholes; who do they think they are?!?!

2) You say “Please Kill Me” or variations of same repeatedly throughout your day.

The smallest, measliest little trigger incident, thought, glance, or comment can send you into a tailspin of doom, blame, self-loathing and malaise. Your own fickle moods are no exception; those little shits hold you hostage, man. Hence, you casually think morbid one-liners like “I wish I’d just fucking die already” numerous times throughout the day, despite never actually truly meaning it. (Your constitution is sliiiiiightly too weakly for suicide, see.)

3) You refuse to apologize.

Even for casual, easily forgiven crap, like lightly bumping someone’s arm in the line at Trader Joe’s, or forgetting to email your aunt Jenny back, or accidentally dropping your water bottle and weights down in someone else’s little area in your exercise class. It’s not that you don’t know you’re in the wrong; it’s that you really really don’t want to admit you’re wrong. It’s pride, see. And ego, obvi. And it’s not a cute look on anyone, especially not a sober alcoholic or addict. Get it together, dude.

4) You’re a jealous cad.

You may have always had a tendency to compare yourself with others; lots of addicts do that. It’s alllllll about what he has that you don’t, what she does that you’ve never been able to pull off; and, of course, who they’re both sleeping with. For whatever reason, your lot in life just isn’t good enough for you—you’re constantly striving to one-up everyone around you. This isn’t a habit born of natural ambition; it’s a desperation-fueled quest not just to keep up with the Joneses, but to annihilate the Joneses with your formidable ability to show ’em all how Life Is Done. Of course, you usually don’t bother doing anything about these constant jealous fantasies, instead they just torture you all the time. FUN!

5) You proudly sport the “perma-glare” (AKA resting bitchface).

Life’s a bitch, and you are too. You’ve perfected the art of the hate-face, and now you wear it all the time. You kind of know you’re wearing it, and you don’t particularly care, because you have reasons to be mad and sad, Dammit. Soooooo, sooooooo many reasons to resent the entire world around you! Sometimes you even scowl at people just for fun, just to see what they’ll do, just to see if they notice. Your shroud of consta-hate doesn’t even get dented by the sight of small, babbling children, dogs, or frail elderly types. Ooooof = you.

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About Author

Laura Barcella is a documentary researcher, author, freelance writer and ghostwriter from Washington, DC. Her writing has also appeared in TIME, Marie Claire, Salon, Esquire, Elle, Refinery29, AlterNet, The Village Voice, Cosmopolitan, The Chicago Sun-Times, Time Out New York, BUST, ELLE Girl, NYLON and CNN.com. Her book credits include Know Your Rights: A Modern Kid's Guide to the American Constitution, Fight Like a Girl: 50 Feminists Who Changed the World, Popular: The Ups and Downs of Online Dating from the Most Popular Girl in New York City, Madonna & Me: Women Writers on the Queen of Pop and The End: 50 Apocalyptic Visions From Pop Culture That You Should Know About…Before It’s Too Late.