Duh: Don’t Drink and Drive Over Labor Day Weekend
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Duh: Don’t Drink and Drive Over Labor Day Weekend

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Okay, so Labor Day weekend is upon us. And what does that mean? Well, yeah it’s a celebration of the American labor movement but how many times have you heard that discussed at a Labor Day party? No, what it really means for a great many Americans is woo hoo, a full day (er, three days) to booze it up—during the day and guilt-free because that’s what we’re supposed to be doing! Frankly the daytime BBQ holidays were always my favorite—until those later years of course, when no one was inviting me to BBQs anymore and that was okay because I wasn’t leaving my apartment anyway. Other holidays were (and continue to be) annoying. New Year’s? Always a disaster, what with all the amateurs out there and the needing-to-have-the-best-plan-ever factor so that I’d always end up disappointed. But Memorial Day, Labor Day and the like? No pressure, lotsa booze, solid chances of running into other people who were up for doing a little (or a lot of) coke—what wasn’t to love?

But of course for many, there’s a lot not to love. Most alcoholics and addicts who are even dimly aware of the fact that they may have a problem aren’t having much fun with the partying any of the time but even those who are just imbibing in the normal way—those so-called normies…well, they too can still find a lot not to love this weekend.

It’s no secret that cops crack down on holidays, adding checkpoints and keeping their eagle eyes peeled for potential DUI candidates. But car drivers won’t be the only people under suspicion: Federal and local agencies in Florida plan to specifically target boaters under the influence. Lest you think they’re buzz killers of the highest order, this move comes after seven deaths on Florida waterways this year alone. “We know alcohol and drugs contribute to these tragedies, and we want to prevent accidents,” said Miami-Dade County Mayor Carlos Gimenez while addressing the topic.

But, since we’re all far more likely to be on a road than on a body of water in Florida, let’s go back to talking about those drunk drivers. While there are a number of companies doing their best to prevent unnecessary accidents this weekend, in Palm Beach, Florida (yes, Florida again but that could be because they need it), AAA and Bud Light are partnering up to provide drunk drivers—AAA members or not—with the opportunity to call them up and get a free tow so they can “safely transport you and your vehicle home or somewhere safe within 10 miles.” Whlle their hearts are clearly in the right place, can we talk about how unlikely a drunk driver is to call up AAA while shitfaced, hop in a truck and let their would-be death mobile get towed along behind them? I’ve seen very few wasted folks even be willing to admit they were drunk, let alone unable to drive, so imagining anyone contacting a place they associate with car breakdowns is so unlikely, I’d say they’re more likely to instead contact AA. (Plus: that supposed boon to non-AAA members? My message for them is um, join AAA. It’s the best $30 or so bucks you’ll ever spend.) Of course if you are far less cynical than I am and happen to be drunk, in Florida and reading this very post, the number to call is (855) 2-TOW-2-GO or (855) 286-9246.

But whether you’re a Floridian, a drunk or just a non-drinker going somewhere this weekend, take care out there. Statements like “I drive better drunk than I do sober” are more ridiculous than, well, any of the ridiculous things that go on in Florida (see Florida Man’s twitter feed if you don’t believe me).

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About Author

Anna David is the founder and former CEO/Editor-in-Chief of After Party. She hosts the Light Hustler podcast, formerly known as the AfterPartyPod. She's also the New York Times-bestselling author of the novels Party Girl and Bought and the non-fiction books Reality Matters, Falling For Me, By Some Miracle I Made It Out of There and True Tales of Lust and Love. She's written for numerous magazines, including Playboy, Cosmo and Details, and appeared repeatedly on the TV shows Attack of the Show, The Today Show and The Talk, among many others.