Dogs have it pretty rough. For years, our canine companions have taken the blame when students neglect or forget to do their homework. But last Wednesday, one inebriated Georgia man took dog-blaming to new heights.
Seriously, Who Is Letting the Dog Out?
When Oconee County Sherriff Sgt. Partain received a call about a dog that was locked in a car outside Bell’s Food Store, he couldn’t possibly imagine the unique marvel of nature he was about to encounter. All he knew was that someone’s loyal pet could be in danger with outdoor temperatures reaching 99 degrees. When he arrived, the air inside the car measured a blistering 123 degrees and reeked of gasoline from a fuel can that was keeping the dog company. If Partain described the smell as “stifling,” imagine how much more so it must have been for the dog’s hypersensitive olfaction.
A Four-Legged Designated Driver
Enter 60-year-old Wesley Mark Terrell, the car’s highly intoxicated owner, who assured the sheriff that he hadn’t in fact been driving under the influence. On the contrary, see, the dog was the one who had driven him to the grocery store to buy some corn. I mean, no alcoholic bender is complete without corn. The can of gas, we can only presume, sat shotgun while reading out the driving directions on Google Maps.
When one is drunk, the truth becomes as malleable as one’s neighbor’s fender. And when active alcoholics are confronted, their gears shift automatically into blame-and-denial mode. Terrell’s only logical option, really, was to pin his drunk driving on the ostensibly sober dog. (I guess he figured he couldn’t blame Obama.) Needless to say, the sheriff was skeptical.
Abhorrent Working Conditions
But let’s assume for just a sec that the dog was driving. Note to the non-soberlings out there: designated drivers put up with an awful lot. From caravanning your soggy ass across town and back while you prattle mindlessly about the goddamn World Cup to mopping your rancid puke off of their floor mats, your DD is basically your mom and your best friend rolled into one. It’s the least you can do to not leave them baking in the El Camino while you buy your stupid corn. Especially when it’s a whole degree hotter than Nick Lachey outside and they’re biologically incapable of sweating.
Getting a License to Live Better
Terrell was charged with DUI and Animal Cruelty, and his poor dog was seized by Animal Control. Sure, a cage at the county shelter is an upgrade from a petrol-perfumed sauna, but he surely deserves better than this. It’s not his fault his old owner has a drinking problem and possibly a corn problem or that he has to live in Oconee County Georgia in the first place. He’s just a dog who may or may not be able to operate a motor vehicle (but probably not) and deserves a loving home—plus some serious 9th-step amends when the time comes.
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