Signs of Addiction
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Signs of Addiction


This post was originally published on April 4, 2014.

And now, from the “Is this bullshit?” files, we bring you‘s gallery of the Most Common Addictions of the Zodiac! The (unintentionally humorous?) slideshow is exactly what it sounds like: a collection of snippets articulating each star sign’s most likely purported addictive tendencies and drugs of choice.

Astrological Ridiculousness

A few of the story’s highlights? For Taurus (accompanied by a stock photo of a morose brunette sighing into her glass of whiskey): “The Taurus is a sensual being, but falling into sexual frustration can cause her to submit to the influence of vices like drinking and smoking.”

For Cancer: “Cancers tend to stress about body image and combat insecurity by smoking to stay thin. When their preoccupation with their figure leads to sadness, they imbibe in alcohol and pills.”

And for my sign, the hardy goat (aka Capricorn), accompanied by an image of a headless and miraculously concave-bodied tan woman: “Capricorns are more structured and less likely to fall into addiction than other signs. However, being so uptight causes Capricorns to be more likely to have eating disorders due to obsessions with body image and staying thin.” (Meh—not so much for me. Sure, I feel the same frustrating, painful body-image pressures that almost every woman in America feels. But, despite my oh-so-hardworking Cap status, I’ve never had the discipline to be too crazy-obsessive about my diet.)

It’s unclear whether the story is intended to be a joke—probably? Possibly? I mean, who could take this stuff seriously? (Well, someone does; at least one other site has run a similar feature.)

Feasible Followers

Uh, scratch that. I’ve never met as many New Age wannabes and cracker-jack spiritual seekers as in the rooms of a recovery meeting; it’s totally commonplace to find 100 percent earnest opining about the joys of shamanism, DNA healing, creative visualization, Burning Man, psychics and silent Zen retreats. So it would kind of make sense if recovering addicts bought the astrology stuff hook, line and sinker.

I’m not trying to be condescending; to be honest, I’m kind of an astrology nerd myself. Do I truly, deeply, genuinely believe it in the innermost depths of my very being? Well, not quite, and I know I probably shouldn’t. But I feel about astrology the way I feel about ghosts, God and the afterlife: It comforts me and I want to believe. And as far as the Zodiac stuff goes, it’s fun—and it helps me make sense of this crazy life and the seemingly random trials, tribulations and disappointments that make up my day to day.

So if reading about your star sign’s addictive tendencies is helpful for you, have at it. No one’s judging you, I promise. Well, only a little bit.

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About Author

Laura Barcella is a documentary researcher, author, freelance writer and ghostwriter from Washington, DC. Her writing has also appeared in TIME, Marie Claire, Salon, Esquire, Elle, Refinery29, AlterNet, The Village Voice, Cosmopolitan, The Chicago Sun-Times, Time Out New York, BUST, ELLE Girl, NYLON and Her book credits include Know Your Rights: A Modern Kid's Guide to the American Constitution, Fight Like a Girl: 50 Feminists Who Changed the World, Popular: The Ups and Downs of Online Dating from the Most Popular Girl in New York City, Madonna & Me: Women Writers on the Queen of Pop and The End: 50 Apocalyptic Visions From Pop Culture That You Should Know About…Before It’s Too Late.