This post was originally published on March 17, 2014.
Recently, HuffPo Healthy Living and Phoenix House co-hosted a Twitter chat where they asked people in the recovery community about the worst things people say to sober addicts. The results were amazing! And not just because I can’t believe people actually say stuff like, “But you still have a job so you’re not a real alcoholic” and ask, “Aren’t sober people just addicted to meetings?” Of course I shouldn’t be surprised; I’ve heard my own share of ridiculous comments over my years of sobriety.
When I first decided to get sober, people were mostly supportive. Those who care about you and want you to be happy and healthy aren’t usually too concerned with trying to figure out whether or not you’re misdiagnosing yourself. But there were a few friends of mine who had different reactions and those reactions varied from confusion to outright judgment. Delivering the news that I was going on the wagon turned out to be the first signpost of my new journey—in particular who was going along for the ride and getting left in the dust.
My friends and family members who expressed confusion were a mixture of people with genuine perplexity because they honestly never considered the fact that I might have a substance abuse problem and people who needed me to explain how I came to the ridiculous conclusion that I had a substance abuse problem. The latter were mostly my drinking buddies and thus, sadly, the people I spent the most time with. While their interrogations during that fragile time when I was painfully confused and indecisive myself was extremely challenging, I came to understand that they weren’t trying to hinder me as much as they were scared for themselves.
People who aren’t questioning their own behavior don’t feel threatened when you question yours. They don’t equate your decision to make a change with you being judgmental of them not making the same decision. It’s those who have quietly wondered about their own choices and behaviors who tend to cause waves when you put a voice and action to end your suffering. This isn’t to say that all of these people are alcoholics or need to get sober; most hot-blooded Americans have enjoyed a night or two of excess and stupidity and woken up the next morning with a tinge of humiliation and shame. That being said, here are some of the kind of terrible things people have uttered to me over the years I’ve been sober.
- “It’s time to stop using those 12-step meetings as a crutch and get on with your life.” Are you talking about the life where I woke up in my own piss and vomit? That life?
- “I was going to invite you but I knew people would be drinking and I didn’t want to tempt you.” Thank you for sparing me the pain of my own decision-making process. It helps me fully appreciate the pain of being left out.
- “Is it going to freak you out if I order a drink?” Only if you don’t finish it. Or order 10 more.
- “Do you still have sex?” Yes, the only difference now is probably not with you.
- “My dad used to be an alcoholic but he was never bad enough to have to go to those meetings; now he’s just drinks on weekends and he’s fine.” Oh cool (head starts spinning).
- “You know, it’s a shame you can’t do mushrooms.” Tell me about it. It’s also a shame that diabetic women on their periods can’t have chocolate cake.
- “Ugh, I hate people who don’t drink. Not you, of course, but most people are so boring.” Yes, there are few things more fun than having to listen to your purple-mouthed friends repeat themselves.
- “Not even beer and wine?” Depends. Do they have alcohol in them?
- “I was sober for a while. I smoked weed and did blow occasionally but other than having like two or three beers if I was at a party, I didn’t drink at all for almost an entire year.” Good for you. I think? You do know I’m not the abstinence police, right?
- “So are you like never going to drink again?” Well, there’s this thing called One Day At a Time…
People who have some time sober generally understand that these kinds of statements typically come from ignorance and not malice. But for the confused and fragile newcomer, such opposition can sometimes make or break their sobriety. And since quitting drinking never really screwed anyone’s life up, I’d like to request that, while some may not relate to someone’s choices, they should still try to blindly respect them. Because being at a precipice of a huge life change is scary enough without having to measure the loss of not being able to do mushrooms.
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