I’ll admit it: I’ve unfriended, deleted and blocked a few dudes on social media over the years. I like to think of this behavior as “blocking binges,” since it’s often extremely impulsive and compulsive, leaving me with an emotional hangover. Though most of the binges are the result of some sort of romantic snag (or perceived romantic snag, as there often is no snag happening outside of my head), there have been one or two occasions when I’ve unfriended a family member or friend after a blowout.
These blocking binges can prove humiliating if I undo the block and re-friend within 30 minutes to three days after giving Romeo the ax. Then, if I change my mind and want to re-block on Facebook, I’m shit out of luck because you can’t re-block for 48 hours. I know this because I’ve tried it. Don’t worry—I’m convinced I have a bit of intermittent and romance-induced Borderline Personality Disorder, even though three therapists tell me this is untrue while emphasizing that “love” makes even the most balanced folks lose their grip. But it helps me to pretend I’m on the BPD spectrum with regards to romance because then there’s a solution to the problem, and I can pull out some DBT and CBT skills to assuage my gnarled brain.
But obviously I’m not using the DBT and CBT when I go on my blocking binges.
This last binge, I blocked a dude who, like me, is bipolar and in recovery over a miscommunication that occurred via text. Not surprisingly, I was the one who misread his message and freaked out, convincing myself that he had insulted my intelligence and called me stupid. (He did no such thing even implicitly, but I read between the proverbial lines, overthinking enough to believe he didn’t want anything to do with me because I was too dumb for him.) Shockingly, after I blocked him he took pity on me instead of calling me a psycho bitch and proceeded to admit that he’d engaged the very same behavior in the past with other chicks. He accepted my friendship with a magnanimity I just hadn’t expected—I thought he’d toss me for good. This is all the more shocking since the unblocking occurred a mere ten minutes after the initial block.
I don’t even want to go into the nitty gritty of why our non-relationship and casual flirtation sent me over the cuckoo’s nest, but after more negative assumptions on my part during a different text exchange, I blocked him again. The ensuing shame and humiliation of such childish behavior is nearly unbearable, but I’m trying to practice the DBT principle of non-judgment and self-compassion. (My re-friend attempt on Facebook is currently pending.)
So why do I go on my blocking binges?
The first and most important reason is self-protection. I don’t typically block out of rage or hate, but instead to ensure I don’t receive a message from whatever man I’m tripping over. In my experience, the best antidote to romantic angst is to completely cut off contact—only radio silence and time will heal that wound. Usually I’m tripping over someone when there’s too much interest on my end and too little on his, or vice versa. Either way, I end up thinking communication between us would be a bad thing. Sure, I can unfollow him, but that doesn’t feel as solid a boundary as a nice big block.
Here’s the crazy thing: when you block, it seems so permanent, like you’ve erected a boundary as formidable as the Berlin Wall, yet deep inside you know the block isn’t permanent at all. But when the block is active, there’s no way he can step or climb over it, and if he tries then you can sic some communist guards on his ass to shoot him in the face. I always feel so proud of myself when I block, so proud of myself for building that iron boundary, so proud of myself for taking care of myself…until, that is, the sadness and regret settles in.
Unfortunately, most of these dudes who I block are also to some degree friends, and I always feel super sad tossing them to the communist guards. This is what happened with the most recent dude—sure I had a crush on him, but he’s also super sweet and cool and I wanted to keep in touch. Blocking seemed so final, so harsh and so mean. So after a few days, I demolished that big formidable wall that I just erected—yep, I unblocked him, bulldozing my own ostensibly set-in-stone boundary. Then I walk over the rubble, trespassing on my own stupid boundary. The guards can shoot at me, but I could give a shit, and if they shot me in the heart it’d be all the better because I’m very vulnerable and very sad during these moments of unblocking.
For whatever reason, these dudes in my life always accept my re-friend requests and brush off my blocks and unblocks. Maybe it’s just one big ego stroke for them; I’m not sure. I suppose they stick around because despite my quirky ways I never go on mean-spirited tirades wherein I insult their mother or their manhood. Plus, I’m not a stalker.
The other reason I block dudes is if they’re too into me (yes, it happens). I can smell it from far away. Like this one guy asked me out on Facebook, and it took me a while to get to the message and he must have assumed I intentionally ignored him so he blocked me! He blocked me right as I was about to type a message. A few days later I got a notification that he liked one of my public posts. Realizing that he had blocked and then unblocked—my own modus operandi—I decided he was a bit too unbalanced to have up in my virtual grill so I blocked him. Yes, I admit that I am quick to block guys who exhibit the same odd behavior as me, but it’s because I’m female and I get paranoid about my safety.
(Someone recently pointed out that the reason there seems to be more horror stories told by dudes about creepy stalker chicks than stories told by chicks about creepy stalker dudes is because the chicks end up murdered. I apologize for the hetero-normative tangent here, but I really do think there’s something to this.)
When my safety might be at stake, blocking Facebook accounts and emails and phone numbers is obviously a wise choice. But in those instances where there’s a miscommunication, it seems important for me to learn how to hold off on the blocking, at least for five minutes. Whenever I block dudes who I’m tripping on, I do it impulsively without pause or any semblance of mindfulness, and though I get a sort of rush for a few minutes, eventually there’s a comedown.
This is how the DBT skills, or Dharma, can be put to good use. In the end, spontaneous blocking binges are very harsh energetically, and what they represent—cutting someone out of your life abruptly—isn’t something I’m cool with. For me, I’ve got to stop taking romance so seriously and perhaps lay off the social media and texting in general. There’s so much room for miscommunication in the mix, emotion and intent and intonation all lost with each message.
Then there’s the embarrassment—when you block then unblock then re-friend, you look (and perhaps are) extremely unstable. Not the fastest way to win a dude’s heart. But lucky for me, my most recent block just accepted my re-friend request. I’m crossing my fingers that this is the last time he has to do so.
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