This post was originally published on May 22, 2014.
Add this one to the list of things you should feel immensely proud of yourself for not being quiiiiiiite drunk or stupid enough to have attempted (yet?).
Meet Your New Driver
Recently, in NYC’s ever-adorable-and-swanky West Village, a group of limo riders were inadvertently abducted after their (idiotic?) driver left the white 2006 Town Car idling with the keys in the ignition on a Manhattan street. Not surprisingly, some random drunk bloke jumped into the unattended luxury car and made off with it, either failing to notice or failing to care that there were a bunch of other poor saps in the car who had been innocently waiting for their driver to return. Said driver actually got mowed down in the melee—the drunk thief was obviously in a hurry to leave, and he hit the driver while trying to hightail it out of there.
It’s all fun and games until somebody goes the wrong way down a one-way street, right? Which was precisely what happened next. Then there was this subsequent chain of insipid and embarrassing moves: “Elbordiny [the drunk guy] blew through a red light…racing south down Seventh Avenue South, turning east the wrong way down Grove Street…before crashing into a sanitation truck at West 10th Street.”
More Idiotic Than Entertaining
Yeah, it all sounds kinda silly and harmless and like a vaguely lighthearted “WTF”-ey drunkalog-ish story…until it gets scary and fails to sound cute anymore. Now it just sounds dumb—the kind of seriously questionable dumb that can only be pulled off by a drunk person with nary a solid, smart, or rational thought in his head. The perp was caught and “arraigned on charges of grand larceny, criminal mischief, unauthorized use of a vehicle, unlawful imprisonment, aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle, reckless endangerment, criminal possession of a controlled substance, operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated and aggravated driving while intoxicated.”
Yikes.
Whether the thief is a bonafide “alcoholic” or not isn’t our concern (and might not even matter?), so we won’t speculate. What we will do is use that shit as a reminder that people do dumb, dumb things when they drink—like think it’s a swell idea to steal someone’s limo, hijack the people inside, drive down a wrong-way street, crash into a sanitation truck, injure a sanitation worker and mow down the guy who should have been driving the limo in the first place.
Alcohol: count us out, thanks.
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