Being in recovery is like being a used car. We pushed it too hard, like driving 100,000 miles in six months. We neglected routine maintenance and tore around for months (or years) with headlights out, warning lights on and windows held together with duct tape. We voided our manufacturer warranty. It would be completely ridiculous for a hoopty like this to roll up to the dealership and demand all the free repairs a meticulously maintained vehicle under warranty would deserve. This is how I feel about addicts in recovery who want to use painkillers. When you abuse yourself and misuse drugs long enough, you void your warranty. You lose your right to use drugs like a normal person. Ever.
The ironic thing about recovery is that the longer you stay clean, the more likely you are to get old and actually have doctors try to give you the good drugs. I used to rejoice at the idea of a surgery or a broken bone because it meant free drugs—now those kinds of things scare the shit out of me. For me, more than 15 years after I last used heroin, there is still no 100% safe way to use narcotics. This doesn’t mean I haven’t had to use some heavy shit since I’ve been clean, it just means I had to be strategic about maintaining my recovery on top of the necessity of maintaining my health. Here are my top five tips for addicts to responsibly use drugs in recovery. (I’m talking specifically about narcotic pain medication here, not medications prescribed for mental health reasons.)
1. Be honest with yourself.
If you have a choice, carefully consider what you are about to do. Are you in a stable place with your recovery? Do you have plenty of support? Have you discussed this with your sponsor and support group? Obviously, this applies to elective surgeries and not just emergency situations. I know people in recovery who are addicted to elective surgery. I think it hits a dangerous sweet spot of getting attention and having a free pass to use drugs in recovery—a dangerous combo for an addict. Even if you know you need surgery, you can usually schedule it a bit in advance and get your recovery house in order first. Somebody I used to sit in meetings with died of an overdose recently while claiming double-digit clean time. She was always having surgery—mostly elective. I really believe she lost sight of the fact that addicts are obligated to a different set of rules than other people. There’s no such thing as a free pass in recovery. Our freebies are used up—that’s why we’re sober.
2. Tell your doctor you’re in recovery.
This one is so hard, but so important. Tell your doctor you have a history of addiction or alcoholism and how long you’ve been clean and sober. Even if you have been in recovery a long time and feel like you are getting pretty good at life doesn’t mean your addictive tendencies have disappeared. Be as clear and upfront as possible. I have had to do this at least a dozen times and it has always helped. Some doctors were great and understanding, even impressed, others were kinda dickish about it. The bottom line is that it was my responsibility to give the people I entrusted with my health the whole story.
3. Consider alternatives to narcotic pain meds.
I’m not saying be a martyr—nobody wants to sit in a meeting with that asshole who shares about having a root canal with no painkillers (seriously, I know that guy). It’s just stupid. But for sprains, back injuries, dental work and most minor surgeries, there are plenty of alternatives to medication and non-narcotic painkillers. I’ve opted for ice and 800 milligram Ibuprofin instead of hydrocodone after dental work. I’ve tried acupuncture and muscle relaxing herbs for a back injury instead of rushing to the doc to beg for Soma. I even had a liver biopsy (where they stick a giant needle through your ribs to extract a bit of liver tissue) with no medication. It just didn’t make sense to take Xanax and be fucked up for a whole day for a procedure that didn’t hurt very much and was over in five minutes. In cases where narcotic pain meds are absolutely necessary, there are options. When I had to have my tonsils out at five years clean (having tonsillitis 15 times in one year is no joke), I chose to take Tylenol with Codeine instead of the Vicodin that was initially offered. I switched to megadoses of plain Tylenol after a few days and it was just fine.
4. Expect withdrawal and understand it will fuck with your head.
When I came home from the tonsillectomy, I slept for two days, then switched to the Tylenol and immediately hit a sweaty, shaky bout of stomach cramps and insomnia that lasted for another 48 hours. It sucked. Aside from the obvious discomfort, it brought back all the old feelings of pain and desperation I felt when I kicked heroin. There’s just no way around those muscle memories and emotional scars when your body feels exactly the same. Luckily, I was surrounded by supportive people who brought me Slurpees and took me to a meeting in my gross sweat pants. Even though it was a detox, I wasn’t the same. I was aware, alive and in charge of my recovery. I couldn’t control my physical response to the drugs, but I could control my actions.
5. Don’t try to manage your own meds.
You’re not a pussy if you ask for help. Speaking of pussies (or not), after my c-section, I took the damn Percocet. My doctor insisted and I had too many other things to worry about—like keeping a tiny human alive—to face debilitating pain. I knew I might get addicted instantly and I did, especially after all that good shit they pumped me full of in the hospital. Even in the middle of one of the most precious events of my life, I longed for the sweet relief of those pills. Despite the fact that I wasn’t really getting high, I counted the minutes until my next dose sometimes. But I anticipated this response because I know my addiction is a slippery motherfucker. I instructed my husband ahead of time to keep the pills put away, track my doses in writing (so I couldn’t scam him) and dispense them to me exactly as prescribed—even if I begged him for an extra. If you think this is too much to ask of you loved ones, ask yourself if making them plan your funeral is a better option.
If you have never found yourself taking twice the prescribed amount of your (or somebody else’s) pain meds and washing them down with a bottle of vodka, then maybe you’re still under warranty. It’s just my experience that addicts and alcoholics are particularly susceptible to bad decisions when it comes to prescription drugs or any kind of habit-forming, mind-altering substance. Even if you never abused it before or it wasn’t your drug of choice, it could still be your downfall.
In other words, just like Mom may have said when you first started driving, better safe than sorry.
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