Ah, the good old drunken wastoid days! Remember? The parties, the late nights, the dancing, the bar-hopping, the endless parade of cute, available, equally loaded boys/girls…Oh and, on the other side, who could forget the vomit-streaked t-shirts, the shattered eyeglasses, the adorable new platform heels we’d immediately topple down the stairs in because walking and drinking don’t quite mix…Yup! Halcyon!
To jog your memory, here are a few other super-special things we recall being incredibly good at at while drunk or stoned. (Hint: We were sorely, sorely mistaken.)
Flirting is, like, sooooo easy peasy when you’re wasted. Or, um, flirting seems easy when you’re wasted? That’s probably more like it. In any case, remember how you’d catch someone’s eye across a stank, crowded dive bar and lock eyes through dangly half-mast eyelids? Then you’d saunter over to meet your new amour by the pool table before proceeding to ask, by way of “flirting,” approximately three questions in: “Wanna make out?” Simple. Classic. Humiliating. Desperate.
We alluded to this one above but dudes, wasn’t walking just the funnest thing ever when you were smashed? You thought you had that shit on lock! Put one foot in front of the other, step down, kinda shimmy your way forward like you’ve been doing like a pro every day since toddler-hood. Except…when you’re wasted, walking looks a lot more like a series of zombified jerk-y stumbling emotions before falling, in slow motion, over and over again. Oh and don’t forget that whole maniacally-grabbing-at-branches (and/or other people’s boobs, whoops) thing as you try not to sail toward the sidewalk, face-first. Piece of cake!
3) Cracking jokes
Everyone is Mr. Funnyman when they’re drunk off their gourd. Somehow, as the empty glasses start to accumulate and the night gets increasingly sad and ridiculous, you begin to misinterpret the legitimacy of your sense of humor. Instead of being puerile and nonsensical, your poop jokes have magically become perfectly lofty and acerbic. The next Jerry Seinfeld or Amy Schumer right here, folks! Or not; alas, practicing alkies have never exactly been known for their comedic timing.
4) Expressing your innermost emotions
When you’re drunk, you often inadvertently transform into an open wound that can walk and slur words. When you’re drunk enough to forget your own name, you simultaneously become sensitive enough to get squished like a roach by the most petty of perceived slights from a friend or lover or random taxi driver. Your BFF gives you an honest opinion of your new jeans? Nooooooo, she’s obviously actually insinuating that you’re too fat to live! Hear your partner ask the waitress for a refill on his water? He is, in fact, sending her secret signals that he wants to bone her in the restroom! It sucks, we know, but it’s not the time to talk feelings.
We know how fun and freeing it is to go dancing while drunk. It makes you feel all young and vital, without a care and with nary a thought as to how your smooth moves are translating to your fellow dancers. That expression of devil-may-care exuberance is soooooo fun because it happens so rarely, right? And hurling your body across a dance floor at other poor souls seems so natural and effortless, like you were born to do it!! Okay, here’s the thing: That is flagrantly untrue. Your version of drunk “dancing” is, sadly, more like awkward, ’90s-style arms-in-the-air motions, stumbling-shuffley leg kicks and spazzily spilling your drinks all over your peers. Pick a bar stool and stay there, for the safety of both you and your fellow drunkards.