This post was originally published on August 25, 2014.
While certain things like singing, dancing and speaking Spanish certainly feel easier when you’re drunk, they’re easier to actually do well when you’re reasonably (or even totally) sober. Anyone who doubts this should try hitting a karaoke bar sometime sans alcohol. But here are five things that are truly easier to accomplish when drunk—along with their dubious results.
Granted, there’s a certain breed of guy who always interprets any interaction that’s not blatantly hostile as a sign that you’re DTF—which I used to interpret as a sign that I needed to get the F out of Hermosa Beach. But generally, amorous advances happen a lot more naturally when you’ve had a few too many, probably because booze quells that little voice in your head that insists you’ve got no shot and you look ridiculous. Ditto for the entire one-night-stand ritual, come to think of it. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with a one-off now and then, but sobriety has the effect of seriously raising your self-consciousness—and your standards.
After enough rounds of drinks, it’s easier to temporarily forget the pain of the past, the awkwardness of the present and the anxiety of the future. Unfortunately it’s also easier to forget your phone at the bar, the name of the guy you’ve successfully lured back to your apartment, or where on God’s green earth you parked. You could forget that six months ago you promised yourself you’d never do cocaine or Zach Braff lookalikes or the Fatburger XXX Challenge again. Forgetting is sort of like grain alcohol: a little goes a long way.
3. Spending money
When you arrive at the first bar of the night, hair and makeup all in order, you might raise your eyebrows at the $14 cocktails or bat your eyelashes to inquire about any special deals they may have. But by the time you roll up to the third bar and you’re six drinks deep, you’re more likely to blindly surrender your card to the bartender without so much as a glance towards the price list. And if the chance to drop $150 on an eight ball arises, those formerly pesky ATM fees are suddenly no object.
4. Being around a ton of drunk people
Shockingly, being the lone sober person in a room full of boisterous drunks is pretty lame. Even its anthropological value gets old fast. But on the bright side, once your clear eyes finally see the hard-partying mob for the loud, horny, sloppy mess that it is, you don’t feel so bad about missing out. Instead you can spend your time at the kinds of parties where sticky isn’t the default and people can actually hear themselves talk.
5. Making an ass of yourself
Honestly, this list could have been a whole lot shorter if I’d started here. It pretty much sums up all the things that an abundance of alcohol facilitates. Tastelessly offensive jokes? Seemingly unprovoked sobbing? Public displays of bodily fluids? Every kind of unnecessary yelling? If you’re having trouble making any of these things happen, just add a fifth of your choice liquor and you’ll be well on your way.