Nothing’s worse than battling through what is not a normal case of the blues without some help from good ‘ol Prozac, or suffering from relentless paranoia without some Clozaril. And if you’re supercharged one moment, overcome with countless genius ideas for new entrepreneurial endeavors, books or art projects, and the next week you’re interested in starting or finishing no project whatsoever, Lamictal might take a bit off that edge.
Here are 10 signs that you may need to see a shrink, like, yesterday.
1) Your hair is full of knots.
If you can’t comb through your hair with your fingers, if there’s a rat’s nest tangled up at the nape of your neck, you may be suffering from some form of depression. It’s called a comb, not to mention a shower, but a comb can weigh 1,000 pounds when you don’t have the will to get in the tub, apply some shampoo and conditioner and detangle that shit. Chances are if your hair is full of knots you also stink. It’s not a good way to present yourself to the world.
2) You think you’re a genius.
While it’s true you may have an above average IQ, be honest with yourself about it. Is this a form of hypomania or mania? Or are you really the next Stephen Hawking? Chances are if you think you’re a super genius, you’re rambling on and on about your brilliant ideas to other people, and they are probably getting bored with them. Check and see if your pals’ eyes are glazing over as you explain your theories about the universe. If they’re checked out, and you’re not presenting papers at a symposium at Oxford, you might need to cut your grandiosity with a good mood stabilizer.
3) You “need” 12 hours of sleep each day to function, maybe more.
Sure, getting some quality shut-eye is essential for mental health, but if you find yourself exhausted by the idea of pulling back the covers, trekking to the kitchen and making coffee, you’re either malnourished, sick or perhaps seriously depressed. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like depression—you just think you’re “low on energy.” But trust me. I’ve justified sleeping away the day only to also sleep away the evening, and the second I got my meds balanced out, the problem disappeared. It’s also possible you have a hormone imbalance or some bizarre food sensitivity. There’s a slight chance you need to cut out gluten, but if this is so, it might be better to sleep all day so you can still eat cake.
4) You binge on carbs.
You eat whole chocolate cakes or polish off two pints of ice cream per evening, then you feel extremely depressed about it and crash even lower. Carbs and sugar boost your serotonin levels, giving you that wonderful feeling of well-being. But there’s a price—it’s called weight gain, potential type 2 diabetes and shitty self-esteem. SSRI antidepressants like Zoloft and Celexa have been proven to help with binge eating disorder. Try it out.
5) The kitty litter in the bathroom reeks and you just don’t care.
It’s full of shit, and you just don’t care. You ignore the stench, and you refuse to let people enter your house because of the disgustingness, but the truth is you don’t want to see anyone anyway, because you’re that isolated. Classic depression.
6) You can’t finish writing an email without getting up to finish emptying the dishwasher, which you started an hour ago.
While you’re continuing to empty the dishwasher, you realize you forgot about the pot of pasta boiling on the stove. The pasta’s super soggy, so you turn the burner off and let it sit there for the rest of the day. Finally you go back to your email, but you have to stop in the middle because you forgot to brush your teeth that morning. Yes, you may have ADD.
7) The computer is talking to you, telling you you’re useless.
People on the TV are sending you special messages, and every helicopter flying over your home is most likely the FBI coming for you, even though you’ve never done an illegal thing in your life. On top of that, everyone you speak to is talking with double meanings. You can’t trust anyone, and perhaps the barista at Starbuck’s poisoned your Caramel Macchiato. Yes, it might be time to consider taking Abilify, Seroquel or Clozaril. You’re not a crazy person, you just have a thought disorder. You’re don’t have to live on the streets. It’s just your brain is over-loaded with dopamine and it’s making you paranoid. And there’s a solution.
8) You wake up itching all over.
Your eyes are puffy but you’ve never had an allergy in your life. People tell you you stink but you already showered. The truth is, you haven’t washed your sheets in three months. Sure they may look clean, but they’re ridden with dust mites and soaked in congealed sweat. It’s time to invest $2 in quarters and sic some scalding-hot water and maximum-strength Tide on that shit after booking an appointment with a doctor.
9) You want to fuck anyone, anytime, anywhere, but you don’t know why.
You also have to masturbate five times a day, but fucking two people in one day isn’t exciting enough, so you put down three grand on a car you can’t afford. But it’s super-hot and will bring you chicks, so might as well. You also book a flight to the Burma the same day, even though you have no idea how you’re going to pay for lodging. Oh yeah, it’s called another credit card. You cross your fingers and hope the bank doesn’t notice the $60,000 debt you’ve defaulted on for the past three years. Classic mania.
10) Everything you hear, see and experience is a reflection of how truly useless you are as a person.
When she doesn’t return your phone call, it’s a testament to how undesirable you are. When he blows you off, it’s because you’re unlovable. You think you’re completely worthless. Not only do you think you’re ugly, you also think you’re stupid. You’re not interested in reading, you’re not interested in eating, you’re not interested in anything. Everyone tells you to go to the gym—it’ll help. But you don’t have the wherewithal to do that either. More evidence that you are inherently flawed.
Of course, you’re not flawed at all, you’re absolutely fabulous! You just need some samples of Cymbalta. Trust me. They’ll help.
Photo courtesy of 30something
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