So I quit coke about four months ago and I’m having some trouble. Not in the way you might think. I’m not struggling with withdrawal as much anymore. It’s more of a mental problem. The problem is that I have no idea who I am or what I’m supposed to be or how I’m supposed to act without coke.
Pretty pathetic, I know. I’ve been struggling with this for a while now, but it never hit me harder until I tried starting this essay.
I probably tried to start this essay in five different ways before I got so frustrated I had to go to the store to get some Cool Ranch Doritos (my other addiction). As I was driving back home, dreading the empty page on my computer, I started crying.
I’d never had writer”s block before. When it came to writing or pretty much anything creative, I could always count on my brain to generate an endless, albeit scrambled, stream of ideas and thoughts. I was like that before I started doing coke, and certainly during the time I was doing it, but now that I’ve quit coke, that spark that I had is just kind of…gone. I don’t think I truly realized it right after I quit, because so much of my attention was just focused on not doing coke and going to meetings and such. But now that I’m a bit further into my recovery, it’s staring me in the face.
And it’s not just with my writing that I don’t know how to be myself anymore. I feel restless when I’m at home, thinking of all the fun drug-related activities I could be doing instead. And I feel out of place when I go out because I forgot how to have fun without drugs.
Now I’m not saying that my life hasn’t changed for the better now that I’ve quit. But it hasn’t all been daisies and sunshine either since I got past my withdrawal phase of recovery. I’m confused, I’m lost. It’s kind of like when you wake up after a long nap and you’re disoriented for a while before you remember you have to get back to your life.
Well I’m ready, more than ready, to get back to my life, but I’m still so disoriented.
I’ve always been a risk-taker, outgoing and a little crazy, and because of those traits I have always been the life of the party. Coke may have enhanced those traits a bit, but they were always there to begin with. So why can’t I find them now? I remember this one part of the book Eat Pray Love where she’s talking about how she used to have this hunger, this appetite for life, and now it’s just gone. I’ve never related to anything more. So if I can’t take a year-long trip around the world, how am I supposed to get my mojo back?
Well, while I was writing this essay, I was thinking of how I was going to end it on a positive note…when an epiphany struck:
Here I am writing this essay right now.
Sure, my writing doesn’t automatically pour out of me like it used to. But I just decided to be as honest about my current situation as I could and pretty soon I was several paragraphs in. It’s not that my spark is gone. It’s just different now.
I think I consider things more carefully now and it’s going to show in my creative process. I think my restlessness with sitting at home will fade with time. I have to remind myself that I’m still fresh into recovery and need more time to mellow out. As for going out and partying, one of the reasons I quit coke was because I disliked the scene and the people it usually exposed me to. So why should I be sad about not being the life of a party I don’t even want to go to anymore?
My experiences are constantly creating and changing who I am. My cocaine use was an experience in my life but that doesn’t mean it defines my life. It may take some time and adjusting before I figure out who I am, but I know that who I am is not gone forever. Sometimes I’m just changing and different than who I used to be.
So maybe, just maybe, this essay about trying to write an essay is a baby step toward the new (and hopefully improved) me.
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